Welp. This is Embarrassing.

I don't know what happened when I went to college, but I somehow went from being a person who rarely cries to being a human faucet at least once a week.
And this week was even worse than the new usual.
I still haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that I've left it all behind.  Not for a few weeks or even a few months, but for two whole years.  My heart is heavy with missing my friends, the dearest, most wonderful friends I've ever had, but at the same time it is light with the knowledge that I'm going to be exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I ought to be doing.

But I want to say to all of you who have listened to me, supported me, succored me over the last few years; THANK YOU.  You are of more worth to me than I think you probably ever realized. Every time you confided in me or I confided in you made me that much stronger.  You are amazing and courageous and each one of you has blessed my life more richly than I can express.

My best friend and I have a tradition of writing each other letters (which is convenient for now, yes?) and so she wrote me yesterday.  I sat down in the airport and unfolded that page and then realized it was probably a dreadful idea.  Within a few seconds I was sitting in a corner of the Salt Lake City airport, crying hard enough that I couldn't see the page.  Which is a little embarrassing, considering there were people all around me.

I honestly think I am one of the most blessed people in the whole world.  Which isn't to say that my life has been easy or free from worry or simple.  Rather, it's the friends I have who have made the difficulty and trouble easier to bear. It's the gospel of Jesus Christ that has given everything a divine purpose, that reminds me that every tear and every knot in my heart has been there to teach me something.  I still love the quote from Elder Jeffery R. Holland: "Surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."  I know that He rejoices every time I rejoice, and mourns when I mourn, and cries with me in times like this, when I am "half agony, half hope." *  I don't know what I did to be so blessed so very much, but I know that I am, and in spite of what I have struggled through, I wouldn't ask for any other life but my own.

I just love all of you so much!  Thank you for being there for me and allowing me to be there for you.


*I mean in no way to compare my life to that of Captain Frederick Wentworth.  My brain just runs on Jane Austen programming, and the sentiment seemed appropriate when taken out of context.

I'd Say I'm Most Definitely Ready for This

It’s at times like this that I feel small.  Not necessarily unloved or lonely, but just small. Because out of all the people I would recognize as I walk across campus, how many will miss me?  How many will even notice I’m gone?

It’s a bittersweet thought that my place in the hearts of the people I’m leaving here probably won’t last too long or bleed too profusely.  They’ll probably be patched up by someone new, someone who’s around to listen and to laugh and to cry, while I’m off doing something utterly terrifying in a faraway land. 

And it fills me to the brim with excitement and contentment, because this is where I’m meant to be, right now, when my life was stagnant and uninteresting.

But still it’s sad to think that place I have in at least a handful of hearts is going to be taken up by someone else.  I like to think that my departure is going to be something like a non-competitive enzyme inhibitor; my leaving will change the shape of the place I took in your heart, and no one else can fit back in exactly the same way I did. 

It’s good, I think, that those empty spots don’t stay empty.  That’s how humans are—we can’t leave gaping holes or even little chinks missing from our hearts without finding something to patch them with.

I want to tell you, anyone who’s really going to miss me (and you know who you are) that I want you to be the happiest person you can be for the next two years.  Take chances.  Do scary things.  Laugh a lot.  Smile even more.  Cry.  Never lose hope.  Never feel like you have nothing to hold on to.  Remember that your Heavenly Father knows you.  He knows exactly where you should be and who you should be with and what you should be doing.  Grow as much as you can in as many ways as you can. 

Wow, this really feels like a huge dramatic final goodbye.  I didn’t mean for that to happen.

I’ll still talk to you until March, guys. And then you can write me letters!  We won’t be completely out of touch.

But I know when I do get back, I’m going to be different.  First off, I’m going to have a hard time remembering how to English, and I’m probably going to have a weird lilting lisp.  (According to my roommate’s boyfriend, I’m going to sound like a gay man.)  I’m going to think Europe is the best place in the world (even more so than I do right now.)  I will be one of those obnoxious RM’s who starts every sentence with “When I was on my mission…”

Chances are I will have shed more tears on the terrain of Spain (see what I did there?) than I have in even the lovely Utah Valley, and I will have felt more love from my Heavenly Father than I’ve even known was possible.  I will have known the bitterest disappointment and the most poignant success.  I’ll come back in tears because I just wanted to stay longer.

I’m going to have an immense love for people none of you have ever met.  I’m going to know beyond anything I can comprehend right now that this blessed gospel is true.  I will have seen it change lives, and I will have been utterly changed by it myself.  

I hope you will be too, my dear friends who will be here in Provo, or in Brazil or Pennsylvania or California or Portugal or Russia or Jamaica or wherever you may be going.  I hope you find the courage to let the gospel change your heart, your life, yourself, because I’ve felt the process start, and I know it can’t go wrong.

An Army of Angels

The day I caught a glimpse of heaven, it started with the snow.

It fell harder and harder the closer we got, wrapped up in a little blue car, safe from the chill and the tufts of snowflakes cascading down from the sky.  We drifted along, warm and content, and then it appeared just out the window over my head.  I could see the six beautiful spires, and they seemed in that moment to reach closer to heaven than any skyscraper could possibly reach.

The walk was rushed, snow assaulting our faces as we pushed through the weather towards the crowd we could see gathered already.  As we got nearer, I could hear them: voices slipping delicately and yet powerfully through the falling blanket of snow.  "As sisters in Zion we'll all work together, the blessings of God on our labors we'll seek..."

I blended my voice with the hundreds of others as I stood by these sisters, all holding flags and wearing brilliant and faithful smiles.  "We'll build up His kingdom with earnest endeavor, we'll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak."

And then the song merged into another, a medley that was familiar to all of us.  "We are as the army of Helaman.  We have been taught in our youth.  And we will be the Lord's missionaries to bring the world His truth."

The icy wind and the snow still being pelted from the sky at my face seemed to suddenly stop as I realized that I was standing among the ranks of an army. These hundreds of sisters, all about my age, from all over the country, about to embark to all over the world.  We were an army.  We had been prepared for this, for the call to stand as ambassadors of our Lord and to teach to the whole earth the goodness of His restored gospel, since before we were born.  Every one of these beautiful girls was strong and courageous and we had all been able, at a moment's notice, to drop everything and turn a year and a half of our lives over to the Lord.

It was suddenly clear to me that, right now, He needs a force like none other; and we, his young and trusting daughters, are to be that force.

For the thousands of times I had heard that song, this was the first time I had heard it sung only by women, and it seemed to me more potent than ever before.  I hardly noticed the cold for the fire blazing in my heart, for the gratitude to be a part of this marvelous work, for my love for my Father in Heaven and all these His righteous daughters.

As we sang, strong and confident, I could not hear my own voice, nor the voices of the girls beside me.  I could only hear angels.

(For the full story, you can watch this.)

O Permanece, Salvador

I happened across this video yesterday and watched it twice in a row.  Not only is the music BREATHTAKING, but these images of the Savior's life left me nearly glowing with gratitude and happiness.

And also, this video, which made me cry, a lot, and quotes one of my absolute favorite scriptures. It's not necessarily a "Christmas" video, but I find it entirely appropriate for this time of year. Can you guess which scripture is my favorite?

Merry Christmas, everyone!  This is really my favorite thing about Christmas.

Bajo la Misma Estrella

I have eight tests in the next ten days.
During which time I have to say goodbye to all of my friends for the next two years.  ALL of them.  I will not see any of my friends again for TWO YEARS.
AND I have to somehow fit everything I own into A SINGLE suitcase.
HA.  HAHA.  No.
I can tell you right now that this is not going to be fun.  In fact, it's going to be downright awful.

Basically, I want to crawl under a blanket and never come out again until a magic fairy has taken all my tests for me and gotten 100% on each one and packed all my things.


But on December 15, I get to see my family again! And then I will have NO tests and NO homework for three months.
And then? I'll be in Spain!
And most exciting of all is that on December 18 (probably) I'm going to go through the temple for the first time!

Not to mention it's Christmastime and so I can listen to Christmas music while I try to absorb my textbooks via ocular osmosis.

Now I'm going back to study for my exam tomorrow and my exam on Wednesday and my exam on Thursday.
It isn't even finals week yet.

But first, have this quote from one of my new favorite books, The Fault in Our Stars.

“’Always’ was a promise!  How can you just break the promise?”

“Sometimes people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them,” I said.

Isaac shot me a look. “Right, of course.  But you keep the promise anyway.  That’s what love is.  Love is keeping the promise anyway.  Don’t you believe in true love?”

I didn’t answer.  I didn’t have an answer.  But I thought that if true love did exist, that was a pretty good definition of it.

Le Amo mi Padre Celestial

So...I noticed it's been almost a month since I last updated.  SORRY.

I guess my first order of business should be to inform you all (even though most of you probably know by now) that I got my mission call!  I'm going to the Spain Madrid mission and I report to the Spain MTC on March 20.

In the two weeks since getting my call, I've been mildly panicking because I've forgotten at least a decent-sized chunk of the Spanish I knew upon graduating from high school.  And so, naturally I bought scriptures in Spanish, as well as switching my phone and laptop to run everything in Spanish. 

(semi-related side note: If there are typos in this post, I'm sorry.  Now that my computer and my internet are set to run in Spanish, they think everything I'm typing is spelled wrong, and therefore everything I type has that red squiggly line underneath it, and I don't have the time to look at every word and decide what is actually incorrect versus what is English.)

I've also been doing a bunch of research on Spain, and I've reached the following conclusion: it's BEAUTIFUL. 

Just look at this.

And this.

Breathtaking, no?

I've also been listening to hymns in Spanish, and my favorite is definitely Conmigo Quedate, Senor (or Abide with Me, 'Tis Eventide.)  It's so powerful in Spanish, even more so than it is in English.  At least, I think it is.

But Lara, you may be asking yourselves, why didn't you do this post all about Spain and your mission when you got your mission call?  Why did you pick Thursday, November 29, to post this?

Well, my friends, there is a reason!

I got something else today. Something that, the moment I held it in my hand, it became, by far. my most prized possession.  

Today I got my temple recommend.  I am humbled and honored to stand worthy to enter the House of the Lord and to make sacred covenants with Him.  As I was interviewing with the Stake President, I was surprised to discover that my eyes were brimming with tears.  I was so filled with love for my Heavenly Father and so happy with this chance to show Him once again how very much I love Him.

Almost every time I stop and think about where my life is headed, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for His flawless guidance.  I am brimming with enthusiasm to share the gospel to the people of Spain.  Even just the concept that I might be an instrument in bringing just a little more peace or joy to someone's life makes me almost giddy.  

A lot of people have asked me why I want to serve a mission, and the answer is really very simple. It's not because every other girl in all of BYU is going (which we all are) or that I want to travel to a foreign country (although I am extremely excited because SPAIN) or that I think it will be cool or fun or something.  I'm fully aware that this will be the most difficult as well as the most rewarding thing I've yet done in my life, and there's no way to really know exactly what I'm getting myself into.  But I want to do this because I love the Lord. I love Him so much and I love His gospel so much.  I love the blessings it has brought to my life.  I love seeing those blessings in other people's lives.  I am serving a mission because I know the power of Christ's Atonement and I want to see it work in the lives of others.  I want to see the despairing, the grieving, the despondent, taste of the joy that the truth of the gospel has in store for them.

I have felt strongly since I got my mission call that this is truly where the Lord wants me to be, that this is a place where I can touch lives and, more importantly, where I can witness the matchless power of the Atonement change lives.  

I am so richly blessed, and I thank my Heavenly Father for it every day.

I've been fighting against this for months now

...but, Lizzie Bennet Diaries, I'm in love with you.

If, like I had only a few weeks ago, you have never heard of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, allow me to enlighten you.

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries are a series of video blogs that present a modernization of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. They are immensely clever, remarkably true to the original story, extremely quotable, and absolutely delightful to watch.

Reasons you should watch them:
1. Anne de Bourgh is a dog.
2. Kitty Bennet is actually a cat.
3. Lizzie reenacts every noteworthy scenario that isn't caught on film. In costume. In character voices.  And she forces whoever happens to be nearby at the time to reenact it with her
4. Charlotte Lu edits Lizzie's videos, and adds all sorts of sarcastic comments and voice-overs and sometimes even draws a mustache or devil horns on Lizzie as she's talking.

Not to mention they're CLEAN.  In the 61 episodes yet published, there have only been a handful of bad words/innuendos/etc. (most if not all of those come from Lydia.)

I strongly recommend this to ANYONE who knows and loves the story of Pride and Prejudice.  It puts a wonderful new modern spin on the story, while leaving the original tone and feel of the novel and all the characterizations completely intact.

So here.

Begin.

Resurfacing and Adventures in the Wonderful World of VBA

I'm ALIIIIIIIIVEEEEEE!

Somehow I got out of three days with three tests and a major project with...decent grades, all homework done, a relatively relaxed weekend to look forward to, and a VBA program that accurately calculates the surface area cost and the output temperature of the most efficient shell and tube heat exchanger that can be made using the inputted specifications.

Since I know you're DYING to see it, here it is!

You have to admit, that's pretty cool.

And not only is it cool, but it WORKS.  Look at this.

Those are the right answers.  Our professor gave us the values to test it.  And our program is right on.  Perfect.
Oh and also look at this fancy thing I programmed it to do.

It will also give a message box if you input a negative mass flow rate, or if you specify both the output temperatures, or if the temperatures you input for your fluid indicate that the substance is a solid or a gas.

ISN'T IT SO COOL???

ISN'T IT FASCINATING???

AREN'T YOU JUST ENTHRALLED???

Also, I'm about done with my mission papers.  I just need to scan in a picture of my driver's license and a picture of myself dressed according to missionary standards, press submit, and then I am FINISHED.  CRAZY, huh?

Doctor, Dentist, Insurance, Adenoids, Eardrums, Shell and Tube Heat Exchangers

So today I finally started my papers! HOORAY!  And actually I'm mostly done.  I just need a few tidbits about when I got my adenoids out and what prescriptions I've taken and exactly what medications I'm allergic to again and things.

I also got my doctor's appointment set up for Monday and my dentist's appointment set up for Tuesday.  It took only 2 hours on the phone, calling office after office after office, but at least I got it done, and soon!  As long as everything goes right, I should have my papers finished and turned in to be reviewed by Tuesday night.  WOW, that's soon.

This upcoming week is going to be crazy with all this stuff, and my tests and projects I have.  But I realized this morning that I feel neither overwhelmed or despairing.  I know that I'm doing what my Heavenly Father wants me to be doing, and that He will bless me with the strength, energy, and focus I need to push through this stuff.

Hopefully, I should have my mission call by about November 14.

...oh, wow that's really soon.

But I could not be any more excited!

No Answer

My heart today is filled to the brim and almost overflowing.

It is very plain to me that the past two days have completely changed my life--and not only my life, but me.  I am different today than I was before 10:00 on Saturday morning.  And I love it.

It's incredible for me to see how Heavenly Father has been guiding me, watching over me, chastening me, preparing me for this crowning moment in my life thus far.

A few weeks ago, I decided what I wanted, what I was ready for, and I had been pleading with Him ever since then for help in getting it.  None was forthcoming.  I was confused because the answer to my pleas wasn't a "yes" or a "no," it was just nothing.  No answer.  And then something else came up, and I went to Him for guidance, and that question also received no answer.  I was worried that maybe I was doing something wrong and wasn't worthy of His counsel.  These were straightforward questions, and there were only two ways they could go.  I could see that as plainly as day.

And then I heard the announcement at the beginning of Saturday morning Conference and suddenly it all made sense.  It had seemed to me that I needed to know, that there were only these two options, but I didn't know that I would be able to serve a mission right now.  That changed everything.  Heavenly Father knew that was coming and He knew that He wanted me to be ready and able right away to start preparing.

I'm thrilled to start the process of filling out my papers and I can't wait to see where I am called.  I'm excited to have the chance to serve the Lord with everything I have and am.  It's going to be incredible, and I am so blessed that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to serve Him in this way.

Voy a Ser Una Misionera

I don't think I have ever felt so happy in all my life.

For months I have longed to go on a mission and, with a sigh, resigned myself to waiting another year and a half, or a little more.

But I can go right now.  Right this second, if I wanted to.

My heart has been thudding with anticipation and excitement ever since President Monson's announcement this morning.

Don't ask me just yet when I'm going, but it will either be after this current semester or after the school year ends in April.

It's going to be incredible and I honestly cannot wait to leave everything in the world behind and serve the Lord with all my heart, might, mind, and strength.  Honestly, there is nothing I want more.

And the more I think about it, I can see that Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this, directing my thoughts, feelings, and decisions so that I would be ready and able to begin the mission process the moment I heard this announcement.

I can't stop smiling, and I cry every time I start to think about it.

I'M GOING ON A MISSION AND IT'S GOING TO COMPLETELY CHANGE MY LIFE AND I CANNOT WAIT.

Bailar

I never ever in a million years thought I would say this, but...

I love to dance.

When I signed up for Beginning Social Dance this semester, I didn't forsee this affection blossoming.  I thought I would enjoy it, maybe a little, and that I would be bad at it and laugh through my failure.

But now look at me.  I go to dance lab every Monday afternoon for an extra hour and a half of practice, I'm going to start going to Social Dance Club for an hour every Tuesday night.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.

I seriously love it.

I love it so much that I'll get back from class, turn on Pandora, pump up the volume, and dance foxtrot by myself in my bedroom to Michael Buble or Frank Sinatra.

But can I just talk about waltz for a moment?
I only know something like 3 steps, but when I dance it nothing could feel more natural or perfect.
I feel like Regina Spektor knew what she was talking about when she said "The heart beats in three, just like a waltz, and no one can stop you from dancing."  Because really.  It's that much fun to dance.

I never saw this coming, but I'm glad I'm learning how to actually dance.  I don't think I can ever go back to rock-awkwardly-back-and-forth stake dance dancing.

Me encanta bailar.  Es la verdad.

The Best Kind of Distraction

I was walking to campus today when I suddenly remembered that my middle class, the one right after devotional, was canceled due to our exam, which I already took.


My initial thought:
OOH.  NICE.  I can get a head start on my programming homework.  Right after devotional I'll get to work on that.  And I can even listen to my Frank Sinatra/Dean Martin/Michael Buble Pandora station while I do it.
(Because we all know that Frank Sinatra is the absolute best.)


What actually happened:
All right, let's do this.
Okay, no, I should read a conference talk first.  Just really fast.  I can read the one that we talked about in our Relief Society lesson on Sunday.  Since I've been wanting to read it the past couple days anyway.  I'll just read that.  Really quickly.  Then I'll start my assignment.

Okay, now I finished that.  But I also have really been wanting to read this other one that I really like. Yeah, it's fine, I'll just read that one too.

That was so good.  I have time to read just one more, yeah?  I totally do.  I'll read this one too.


Needless to say, I didn't start on my homework.  Instead, I re-read all my favorite talks from Elder Holland.

And here, have one of my ALL-TIME favorite quotes from the second talk.

How to Prepare Oneself for Inevitable Death

Step 1: Ascertain that one is in possession of reasonably large quantities of ice cream.
Step 2: Seek alternative ways to direct one's attention and focus, such as homework, painting one's nails, baking cookies, etc.
Step 3: Remind oneself calmly, on occasion, that the events of the day are certain and beyond one's power to alter.
Step 4: Try not to cry.
Step 5: Warn those nearby of the eventual necessity of tears.
Step 6: Be honest with oneself and embrace the surety of pain and tears.

Confession

Let's just be honest here.

The real reason I watch Downton Abbey is for the clothes.

I drooled over a few of Sybil's and Mary's gowns.  And also Mary's hats.

THE. HAT.

One of my VERY favorites.

It's just so beautiful.  Really.

I'm really mad there isn't a picture of my favorite of Sybil's gowns.  OH WELL.  We'll have to make do with this.

(I wish you could see her whole coat here--it's GORGEOUS)

I almost cried at Mary's headband for her wedding dress.

Isn't it so pretty?

Here, look at it some more.

And actually let's just look at her whole dress while we're at it.

I would wear something like that.  I would.  It's so simple, yet elegant...I just love it.

I mean sure, the characters are pretty cool, the story line is interesting and engaging, and also MARY AND MATTHEW, but I watch this show because 1920's fashion.

I think that's reason enough, don't you?

Gratitude

I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends anyone could have.
I honestly could not tell you what I did for Heavenly Father to allow me the privilege to know these girls, but I am so grateful for all they have done and continue to do in guiding and blessing my life.
I hope you know, I think you are absolutely incredible.
And I love you.
A ton.

In Which Lara Is Rather Quite Feminist

I have a little itty problem.

Sometimes people make me angry in their discussion of or treatment of girls.

I'm well aware that although the Church itself is about as far from misogynistic as you can get, some of the people in it can be just that.

Case in point:
Today I was walking home from class in front of a group of boys.  They were talking about a girl.  The conversation went something like this:
Boy 1: "...she's in the same major as my mom."
Boy 2: "What major is that?"
Boy 1: "Family and Consumer Science.  So, like a 'life' major."
Boy 2: "She's basically training herself to be a wife and mom!"
Boy 1: "Yeah.  And she can cook really well.  She'd be a great wife."
Boy 2: "That's awesome!" (proceeds to ask him about dating her, etc.)
When I stopped at the crosswalk I realized I was all but fuming with anger.

I am BY NO MEANS saying that there is ANYTHING wrong with majoring in Family and Consumer Science.  Kudos to that girl; I'm sure she's awesome.  My issue here lies with the boys.
In particular, the way the fact that she was majoring in FaCS made her immediately much more attractive to them.

Now, I'm sure these are good boys who want a wife and a family someday, and I fully support that.  But the tone of their conversation sent the message that this girl was superior to other girls on the dating scene because she was in a "wife-training" major, and that it would be a turn-OFF if a girl were in a less family-focused field of study such as, say, engineering or something.

Let me explain this to you.

I am an engineering major.  I LOVE doing all the stereotypically "boy" things like math, physics, chemistry, computer systems, good old-fashioned "numbers and equations and analysis" problem-solving.  I fully intend on getting married and having a family and placing my family as my first priority in life.  I don't care if I never get the chance to actually have a CAREER in my field, because I'm learning problem-solving approaches that will help me in whatever I do for the rest of my life.  I've already seen how my major is going to make me a better wife and mother, and I'm not all that far into it yet.

And yet a lot of the boys I meet--dare I say?--more than half of them, display either a visible or an audible negative reaction when I tell them what my major is.

That makes me sad.  Because of things like this quote, straight from the mouth of President Hinckley: "In this day and time, a girl needs an education. She needs the means and skills by which to earn a living should she find herself in a situation where it becomes necessary to do so.
"The whole gamut of human endeavor is now open to women.  There is not anything you cannot do if you will set your mind to it.  I am grateful that women today are afforded the same opportunity to study for science, for the professions, and for every other facet of human knowledge.  You are as entitled as are men to the Spirit of Christ, which enlightens every man and woman who comes into the world.
"You can include in your dreams of the woman you would like to be a picture of one qualified to serve society and make a significant contribution to the world of which she will be a part.  Set your priorities in terms of marriage and family, but also pursue educational programs which will lead to satisfying work in case you do not marry, or to a sense of security and fulfillment in the event you do marry.  Education will increase your appreciation and refine your talent." (x)

I think a lot of boys here don't realize that or don't really think about it.  Just because a girl isn't majoring in FaCS doesn't mean she doesn't want to be married and have a family just as much as a girl who is, and I wish boys wouldn't treat girls who are pursuing maybe less-traditionally feminine studies as less qualified for marriage.

...okay I think I'm done now thanks for listening to my rant on misogyny have a nice day.

Cambiar

Last night, something a little unusual and kind of funny happened.

My life changed.

And not just a little shift or a tiny alteration.  It changed dramatically for good.

I'm not sure I can pinpoint one thing that spurred it, but everything has been jump-started in the best way imaginable.  It's almost like my life was a system of gears, complex and yet astonishingly simple, waiting for one final piece to fit in before it could leap into a glorious whir of motion.

Well, that last piece clicked into place yesterday, and I have never felt so good about anything before.  For the first time in ages my thoughts, desires, actions, and beliefs are sliding into perfect, almost supernal alignment.  I feel free and decidedly attuned and I'm ready to plunge myself, heart and soul, into doing the work of Him who loves, trusts, and values me more than anyone else ever could.

I'm going to need His support now more than ever, but I step forward with the embedded and abiding certainty that He will never let me fall.

I know I've expressed sentiments like this before, but it's never been quite like this.  Because this time I've had the courage to make an immense (albeit necessary) change, and it's propelled me in a giant step toward my potential and the blessings of heaven.

I love the Lord; in Him my soul delights.  I am prepared to offer unto Him my whole heart--to make serving in His kingdom my first and favorite thing to do.

I'm writing this here to remind myself for the future--I have never felt more at peace or more filled with courage than I do right now.  If ever I find myself feeling lost, burdened, or hopeless, I need only step back a realign my priorities with the priorities of heaven.

People may doubt this gospel, but I cannot doubt it myself.  How can something that makes me feel so lastingly good, so whole be in any way wrong?

Inspired

Things I apparently need to work on (per stake conference):

Service (particularly visiting teaching and my callings)
Regular temple attendance
FSI (good thing I got called to the FSI committee, eh?)
Not being scared of people
Praying for "what more can I do that's right?" (Sister Oaks is THE BEST.)


I love going to meetings and hearing exactly what I've been a little confused about clarified and explained in just the way I need to hear it.  Our 146-stake conference today was incredible, and I had my testimony strengthened incredibly.

THREE WEEKS UNTIL GENERAL CONFERENCE.

Pink

This is absolutely fascinating.  Seriously.  My mind is a little bit broken right now.

Los Miedos

I absolutely loved the CES devotional from Elder Holland tonight.  Every time I'm extra excited to hear someone talk, I feel like they pick a topic that's especially pertinent to me right at that moment, like Holland did tonight.

It's always really hard for me to be outright about sharing the gospel.  Especially when I'm in some situations where it seems that everyone else scoffs at the morals or standards I'm clinging to.  It's so scary for me to turn and tell them that I believe it.  I hate feeling like I'm imposing my beliefs on someone else or like I'm causing conflict or contention.

Which is why I hung onto every word that left Elder Holland's mouth today.  I loved what he said in response to doubts about "enforcing" others to believe and act the way we do.  I recently read this talk from him and it reminded me why it is that we keep the strong moral commandments that we do.  And then tonight he said that there are some principles that need to be defended wherever they are found, because they aren't social or political issues but eternal ones, and it is far better for us to offend men than to offend the Lord.

That really helped me put everything back into a proper perspective.  We have the truth, and those around us are, unwittingly or not, offending God--how can we just stand by and say nothing, or decide that it's not our place to judge or interfere?  If we truly love God, we will take care to make sure His children follow His commandments and resist defiling and abusing the power He has granted to us on Earth.

That being said, it's important to note that Elder Holland cautions us to do so without demeaning those who transgress or believe differently than we do.  We need to respond to the call to build Zion all around us, and we need to do so with compassion, understanding, and great charity.

I feel so motivated right now to stand up for what I believe, and to defend the standards I hold dear even when people will insult and belittle me.

My very favorite thing about this talk today, and about everything that's been happening around me lately, was the mention of fears and his divine assurance that they will be dissolved.

Let me tell you a little story.  On Thursday night, being bored out of my mind, I ventured upstairs to visit my good friend Mallory.  We had brownies and watched a movie and had a good time.  I was just leaving when we started talking, I can't even remember what about, and I came back in and we talked for a long time.  About a few things, but mostly about being afraid and overcoming our fears. It was a wonderful talk and it put the things I was feeling afraid of or intimidated by into a good perspective.  (Erica and I talked a bit on this same subject on Friday.)

Suffice it to say that I've just had the topic of overcoming fears on my mind for the last few days.  Then today in Sunday School, our teacher shared with us a list he had made on his mission of the four things he noticed interfere with our ability to feel the influence of the spirit:
1. Contention
2. Fears
3. Pride
4. Being too rushed
And there it was again!  Fear!  Being afraid of things, whether it's a fear that we won't get answers to our prayers, fear that we aren't qualified to share the gospel, fear of talking to people we don't know, fear of sticking ourselves out there in order to serve others, etc., is something that inhibits our ability to receive answers to our prayers and to feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

So you can imagine how I felt when Elder Holland gave us an apostolic promise that our personal fears will be lifted.  Heavenly Father knew exactly what was a concern in my life and sent four people within the last four days to give me gospel-centered advice and comfort on that precise subject.  Nothing could ever convince me that He is not very real and that He does not love me so very much.

I want to keep this feeling of courage, of testimony in the standards and teachings of the gospel, of an all-eclipsing desire to serve and honor God, of boldness to live and testify the truth in all my words and deeds, even in my appearance, for as long as I can.

I was reminded today that nothing, nothing in the whole world makes me feel as strong, as beloved, as brave, as capable, as beautiful, as humble, as talented, as fearless as does the gospel.  I am more grateful for it and the truths it offers me than words have the power to communicate.

Lluvia

Today it rained while I was walking back from class.
Usually when I see storm clouds I wait until the rain has passed to go home, or I plunge ahead with my head down to get out of the inclement weather as soon as possible.
But that's not what I did today.

Instead of hiding from the rain or acting like I think I'm too good for it, I just closed my eyes and tilted my head up, standing where I was, and welcomed it like an old friend.  I felt the corners of my mouth twitch into a smile because it somehow felt right.  With my eyes still closed, I stepped forward, walking onward, against the storm, still seeing clearly the light from above the clouds filtering through my eyelids.

And so I walked home with big fat drops of water falling out of the sky onto my face and hair, the sidewalk in front of me, the leaves of the trees over my head, and the beautiful smell of Utah rain, the sort of fresh, clean, all-the-world-is-new smell you can't quite find anywhere else, listening to Turn to Stone with an irremovable smile on my face.

I liked it: not being afraid of the rain, not cowering from it, not pretending like I'm too busy and don't have time too notice the simple beauty of the world around me. Because honestly, this world we live in is incredible, and although it shouldn't be--

it's so very easy to miss.

La Primera

I got my first grade back from this semester of college.

Do you wanna know what it was?

Do you?

Really?

It was a 100%.

And so I pat myself on the back and say, "Yes, yes, that's good start.  Just keep it up now, dear."

Bienvenido a la Universidad

Oh, college.
How I love thee.

Today was a marvelous day--I got a ton of homework done and even squeezed in a nap.  I learned the foxtrot and did not fall over or trip over anyone or step on my partners' toes.  I'm actually pretty good at dancing, believe it or not. The TA told me I was doing the steps "perfectly."
(That is so exciting to me.  I honestly believed that I was doomed to a life of utter uncoordination.  But perhaps there is hope for me yet!)  I helped my friend with our Excel homework (and got all the answers right, even WolframAlpha approved.)  I learned all about dienes and addition reactions: both the 1,2 and the 1,4 products, which one is kinetic and which is thermodynamic, how to predict which one will be the major product, and about Diels-Alder reactions, which are honestly super cool.  They follow a concerted reaction mechanism, which is my favorite.  I turned in my calculus homework and my statistics homework, and checked them with my friend/the TA (her name is Jessica) and got the right answers. And because I did so much homework, I got to watch Castle in the Sky.  It was fantastic.  Pazu and Sheeta are ADORABLE.

Tomorrow I only have 2 classes, and they're my easiest 2, so I will get even further ahead on my homework and be all ready to party it up this weekend with my freshman chums.

As always, I'm excited for Episode 7.2 of DW on Saturday, even if Jenna won't be in it.  Because Rupert will be.  Oh, Rupert, darling.

I'll continue my study journal tomorrow.  I'm too tired at present.  Sorry.

Study 1

I'm going to walk you through my daily gospel study.  Because I enjoy learning about the gospel and sharing what I've learned.

-----
Conference Talk:  "Because She Is a Mother," Jeffery R. Holland, April 1997.

I first loved the reference to Lois and Eunice as mothers and grandmothers who, from the very beginning, taught Timothy to know and understand the scriptures.  In my sister's and my favorite book, these two women are portrayed as examples of divine nature, and I believe that in being faithful mothers and grandmothers, they did the utmost to fulfill their divine nature; nothing draws us nearer to God than to serve and act in utter selflessness as parents, just as He does for us.

I also loved the letter from a young mother, who often felt discouraged but always kept in the back of her mind the remembrance that she was doing the work of God.  It says over and over in the scriptures that the Lord will not forget those who follow Him and serve Him faithfully, and that mother understood this truth, and clung to the strength and support of her Heavenly Father as she fought to fulfill her ultimate duty from Him day after day.

This quote struck me particularly: "If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects of you."  So often in the world it is easy to list off the many things that we are supposed to do as human beings to make a difference, but the most powerful influence undoubtedly comes from righteous parents who raise up children in faith and strength to overcome Satan's ever-increasing power.  And not only will we fulfill our responsibility as a human being, but we will accomplish all that God asks and wants from us.  What a beautiful promise that is!

My lessson in Relief Society on Sunday was on strong women in the scriptures, so it was wonderful to see all the examples listed in this talk of great women who have established for us a "great tradition" that we are more than capable of carrying on.  I also loved the example at the end of the women who touched Christ's robe, daring embarrassment and fighting anxiety and fear, as many of us do as we struggle to fulfill the expectations set before us, but who, as we can, reached Christ, and was counseled, "Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole."

-----
I typed up my scripture study too, but blogspot decided to delete it, and I am not about to type the whole thing out again.
So I'll give you scriptures along with my conference talk tomorrow.

Quiero Ver las Estrellas

I'm absolutely in love with stars.  I always have been.  They have always meant a myriad things to me.
To be perfectly honest, it probably started when I was in the seventh grade, when Switchfoot released their album Nothing Is Sound with the single entitled "Stars."
No wait, scratch that.  It started with The Lion King.  That was when I first started to see stars as a representation of infinity, as pinpricks of the glory and beauty of heaven peeking through the dark blanket of night.
Stars are, to me, the perfect conglomerate of divinity, eternity, adventure, opportunity, constancy, and direction.
I love how when I look at them, I feel close to heaven, humbled because of how small I feel, but noble because I am powerfully reminded that I'm important to my Heavenly Father, that even with the whole wide universe under His command, He actually knows me and cares about me and makes sure I get to my flight on time and that I can figure out how to do my math homework before it's due.  I love how the stars seem to go on forever, how I can only see a few of them but yet I know that there are more of them, stretching outward for an infinity, and none of it is out of God's reach, power, or understanding.
I love how they always seem to beckon me closer, reminding me that there is all this space out there, untouched, unseen, waiting for someone who has enough courage to follow her dreams and fling herself out there.  There is always a chance to do something no one else can do, something only you can accomplish, and each one of us has the power to create our own infinity, to make an enormous difference in the world, in the whole universe, in the eyes of God.
I love the North Star.  Even when all the constellations around it spin and change and fade, that star steadfastly points north, not affected in any way by the fluctuations and variations around it.  Stars are a reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of us, that He is a North Star for us to follow, and He will unfailingly guide us home to Him.  With the gospel, we are never left groundless in the chaos and uncertainty of the world, and I love that.
-----
But what I really want to talk about is the name of my blog, the phrase "show me the stars."
Because stars are beautiful; they are magnificent and incredible; they offer so much from which we can learn.
But sometimes it's cloudy, or dark, or stormy, or we're tired, and we just can't see the stars.  We can't see the infinite opportunities that lie ahead of us; we're blind to our Heavenly Father's unfailing and unflinching love for us; we can't find direction because nothing we can see is sound or sure.
And that's when we need someone or something to "show us the stars."  It can be a testimony borne to us, a caring friend who takes the time to listen, just a simple smile from a passerby, a scripture, a heartfelt prayer.  All at once in that moment the clouds part, the storm blows past, and we can see with unparalleled clarity the piercing beauty of the stars.
So I invite you to join me in my journey to not only see the stars more consistently and more clearly, but to show the stars to those who struggle to fine them in the darkness.

The Girl Who Can

I'm back!
I've decided to stop neglecting this blog.
mostly because I got THE BEST url for it.  But also because it's pretty and nice and I like it.
So I will be keeping you all updated with my life and college and everything crazy.

And since I can't think of anything clever or interesting to talk about, let's talk about my current female celebrity crush.

Miss Jenna-Louise Coleman.

She's gorgeous, funny, clever, and her acting is phenomenal.  She's basically perfect and I love her.

On a completely unrelated note, I've rather been craving a souffle.

I'm so glad to be back at school, and I'm having a wonderful time with all my friends and working hard for all my classes.  Tomorrow is a ward social and then a stake pool party, so I'll be looking my best to find all the cute guys.  Because what else is really even the point of going to BYU besides that?

But I'll be around to keep this lovely blog updated.  Even if no one reads it.

HAPPY KORRA DAY!

I couldn't sleep AT ALL last night, I was just SO EXCITED...

because Korra is coming out in 10 hours!!!!

I have been waiting 20 long months for this day.

So, in the spirit of a midnight premiere, I got all dressed up 1920's today.  I walked around campus feeling like I had just stepped out of The Great Gatsby.  Emily took some lovely pictures of me...

 I decided that I am IN LOVE with red lipstick.  I may wear it every day for the rest of my life.

So, to continue the countdown, I CANNOT WAIT FOR 10:00 tonight!!!

May your day be filled with as much happiness and 70-degree sunshine as mine is!

Blessed

Living at BYU, it's sometimes easy to forget how blessed I am as a a member of the church.  I forget how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people who share my standards and beliefs.

Today I got to attend stake conference with two members of the Seventy, who conducted a question and answer session with us.  It was amazing to hear their inspiring counsel and to have questions I didn't ask, even questions I didn't know I had, answered.  I felt an outpouring of the Spirit and a resounding reassurance that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. 

I also was reminded of how incredible fortunate I am to be surrounded by boys who are righteous and worthy priesthood holders, who are willing and eager to serve missions.  It is astounding to see boys who are often ridiculous and immature completely attune themselves to the voice of the Holy Ghost.  I have heard boys who didn't know particulars speak the exact phrase that means the most to a suffering soul.  It is amazing how much of a power the priesthood is in our lives.

I am so blessed to have the gospel and to have access to the priesthood and personal revelation!

Armed with a Pen and Paper

I love to write.


I love to stick myself into someone else's head and let them show me the world in a way I've never seen it before. 

I love to laugh at my characters when they force their way into the spotlight when I don't want them to be there, or the ones who try to slink out of the scene when it's all about them in the first place. 

I love to string words together in ways that may be unusual and unconventional but create a cacophonous harmony of meaning and sense.

I love to study the way each of us responds to each of our problems and watch each of my characters laugh, cry, scream, rant, brood, rage, and grin their way through their lives. 

I love to make simple things sound beautiful, and to make beautiful things sound simple.

I love to write what I know, which is feelings and friendships and convictions.  Because those are the things that, no matter how different my characters are, they all have in common. 

I love to sit back and observe everything, and then to compile all my observations into my own definition of reality.

I love to fall in love with my characters. Because inevitably, I will. With all of them.

But most of all I love to write because it shows me myself.  I see little bits of my personality and mannerisms in every character I come up with, and because of that I've learned to see slivers of myself in every person I meet.  I'm able to make friends with almost anyone I come across because I find that we are similar in one way or another.


And this is why, if you come across me when I have a few minutes to spare, I will more than likely be armed with a pen and paper, spilling my thoughts and ideas across the page like a maniac.

Can't Breathe with No Air

This weekend consisted of:

           A trip to the mall and out to eat with my girls.  My third time off campus this semester.  (A MUCH-NEEDED ESCAPE.  Try being a freshman without a car, and you will understand.)
           An everyone's-mattresses-in-the-kitchen sleepover and movie night. Complete with girl talk and manicures and pancakes for breakfast. (And sleeping in the next day.)
           An impromptu 3-hour dance party in our kitchen.
           A trip to the Creamery in the middle of said dance party for ice cream.
           A slightly less impromptu Sunday dinner with more pasta than I have ever seen in my life. 
                The boys who brought it: "We will eat it all!" The reality: 2 giant pots full left over.    
                During this meal, I was criticized for not being Irish, for looking Swedish, for never having eaten cold spaghetti noodles by dangling them into my mouth, for using generalizations and hyperboles in conversation, and for my everything about my taste in music.  It was ridiculously enjoyable.
           A CES devotional with Elder Quentin L. Cook.  Best way to end everything!

So...THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WEEKEND! After 2 midterms last week and 2 more coming up this week, I just needed to be crazy and do a lot of abnormal things.  All at once.  And so I did.

Today: Laundry, grocery shopping, more laundry, math homework, physics homework, FHE, nonstop Korra soundtrack.

Maybe next weekend will see me go swing dancing (with a live band and everything.)  I'll DEFINITELY go before semester ends.

Beautiful

After a long conversation about this with Erica, I've been thinking a lot about what makes something beautiful.  And so I decided to write my own definition of beauty.
I find a lot of things beautiful that the world would scorn or brush off.  And a lot of things that I hear praised for their beauty aren't really beautiful to me.

To me, beauty is more than a combination of colors or arrangement of atoms or a progression of chords.

For something to be beautiful, it has to be true.  When I feel a certainty in my heart that something is real and true, it becomes beautiful to me.  Anything fake or hidden just isn't as beautiful to me as something that is honest and not afraid to be itself.  Beauty flees the darkness and embraces, thrives in the light. 
Beautiful things make me happy.  And not just the quick-laugh-and-grin happy--the kind of happy that settles in my heart and warms my toes with lasting peace and comfort and just a good feeling.  One beautiful thing can change my day from mediocre to wonderful in mere seconds.  Sad things can be beautiful too, because sometimes feeling sad makes me even more grateful for what I have and what I can learn from the sadness.  And learning things always makes me happy.

I don't necessarily recognize beautiful things on sight.  Anything beautiful needs to be recognized by the heart and mind, and that might take a little concentration and time.  Nothing is truly beautiful that doesn't make you think, and even change you a bit.

Something beautiful will always touch my divine nature.  I will hear words spoken that remind me of scriptures, hear music that fills my soul with the Spirit, and see images that make me grateful for all I have been given.  The gospel is the most beautiful thing I know, and whenever something reminds me of the gospel, it is beautiful to me as well.


So when the world has decided that beauty is a skin color, a style, a place, a person, I know what is beautiful to me.  And as long as I surround myself with what I find beautiful, I think I'm set to face the world with a smile on my face.

I think this song is one of the most beautiful I have ever heard.  When I listen to it, I feel like I am listening to exactly what peace sounds like.  Just because it is from a TV show does not mean you shouldn't listen to it or should think that it isn't good quality.  I listen to it whenever I'm feeling worried or unloved or stressed and it reminds me of all the beauty in the world and that my Heavenly Father loves me.

Valentine's Day

I had the most fantastic day today.  No, I did not find my Mr. Darcy (or any other boy, for that matter,) but I did get a flower from my best friend, and heard the most amazing devotional in the whole world, and wrote a beautiful love story, and had dinner with all my BYU sisters.  I found out that I did really well on my physics test, and I talked with my dear friends Nina and Olivia.  Nina even drew me a lovely picture and sent me valentines.  I took treats to some of my friends, and sent valentines to the ones who live far away.

Today I was reminded (in a way that left me sobbing in front of about 700 people) that Heavenly Father loves me so much.  Whenever I have a specific problem or question on my mind, He takes care to find just the right person to tell me just what I need to hear.  I spent almost the entire day grinning with happiness just because I knew it so strongly.  His love for me was constantly on my mind and in my heart, and I could feel myself radiating it. 

I hope that anyone who doubts Heavenly Father's love for them can have experiences like mine today and on many occasions in the past.  I know that He loves all of us with a perfect, immeasurable love. 

To everyone who has shown me love or support or patience in my life, THANK YOU!  I love you all and I am eternally grateful to you for helping point me in the right direction.

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Why do I love the Equalists?

How I feel right now.

KORRA

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IF NOT FOR THIS I MIGHT BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.
2012!!!!! MY HEART. CAN'T. HANDLE.
Now for an actual date...

I May Very Well Never See the Light of Day Again

I have been to all my second-semester classes at least once. 

And...It will be a miracle if I get any sleep at all this semester.

It's not that I am dreading my classes, per se.  Just that they will be extremely time-consuming.  I have been informed that I can look forward to spending 9-12 hours a week outside of class studying for Organic Chemistry, and 6-9 hours a week studying for Physics.  Not to mention Linear Algebra, for which there is a lot of homework, or Comparative Literature, for which I have to read ten a lot of books and write eight also a lot of essays. 

I've already been inundated with readings and quizzes and homework problems and a lot more readings.

I spent twenty minutes making up my study schedule for the semester and...I will rarely see any of my roommates or my bed. 

I also made a study playlist on Grooveshark which at this point consists solely of the beautiful and inspiring music of Jeremy Zuckerman and Benjamin Wynn.  Unlike most music, which distracts me, this helps me relax and focus.  As grateful as I am for their musical brilliance, I will probably be listening to this nonstop...because I will be studying nonstop.

Sigh.  Deeper sigh.  It will be worth it to get good grades and put the effort into learning the material thoroughly.  I know that.  Just...sigh.

Actually, the only way I know for sure that I'll survive is the fact that the first thing on my study schedule for every day is to read a talk from General Conference and the last thing on my day is to read my scriptures--both the Book of Mormon and the New Testament.  Starting and ending my day by studying the gospel and getting in tune with the Spirit will make me more focused, more centered, and more at peace.  If not for the gospel, I would be incomprehensibly lost. 

I am eternally grateful for my Heavenly Father's love for me and all the ways He has supported me thus far in my life.

To anyone feeling overwhelmed or lost or discouraged, I strongly recommend your reading this.  It really helped me to put everything in perspective and remind me that with His help, I can overcome anything that seems incomparably daunting.

So now I take a deep breath and say a prayer and work to keep my life aligned with my Heavenly Father's will.

Because without His help...I'm really not sure I can do this.

Blogging in an Airport

Because my flight doesn't leave for another hour and a half and I am BORED.

I had many a marvelous marathon of DW and Merlin and A:TLA with my lovely friends in Tennessee.  Season finales and season premieres and Christmas specials galore!

I endured/fostered lots of sibling craziness and abuse. 

I went on a wonderful trip downtown during which my best friend guilted me into buying two beautiful things that I am now very glad I own. 

I got to see my cousins and grandparents and show off my intense skills in Space Pop on the Kinnect. 

I learned that my brother (who is still not taller than me, by the way) can do an absolutely terrifying vampire face and can make a sound exactly like a stream.  Where has he been hiding these talents, I ask you? 

I learned that Nina and I should NEVER, under ANY circumstances, open a bakery. 

I successfully introduced the term "House of Anubis" into my family's vernacular.

I got a beautiful T-shirt quilt that I have drug everywhere with my since Christmas.  I feel like a little kid with her blanket.  I just love it so much...

And it may have been my last trip back to Franklin.  Because semester ends in April, which is four months away, and who knows where my family could be by then? 

I love you, Franklin friends, and I'm sure I will see you again, even if we do move to Alaska or someplace very distant.

Happy 2012, everyone!

Or, should I say, HAPPY KORRA YEAR!