I Feel Empty and Lost (at least for the next 5 minutes)

What am I supposed to do?
Ever?
I just finished Season 4, Episode 6 of Lark Rise.  Such a strange despondency has settled over me that I hardly know what to do. 
I'll miss everyone so much.
Like him.

And him.

And her.

And him.

And her.

And most especially her.

I love this show and am so sad it's over.  But I'll find a new BBC miniseries soon enough.



Lyrical Melodies

These are the lyrics to my song I sang yesterday, in case anyone was curious.
(I got second place! (: )

My Worst Enemy

I'm way too good at fooling myself
Don't even know half of what I'm saying aloud
At times I think it came from somewhere else

It's too easy to change my own mind
I talk myself out of doing what's good
Then wish I hadn't as I leave my heart behind

I've known that flicker of strength
That moment of resolve
When I'm undeniably sure
But as I go through the day
My comfort seems to dissolve
And I'm as scared as I ever was before

Chorus:
Help me learn to hear your voice
When my thoughts are my worst enemy
Give me the courage to defy
All my fears of the world around me
I'm well aware of what it is I ought to do
But I pull myself so far away from you
When I lie to myself
Help me learn to hear your voice

I wish I'd never learned to justify
Instead of just accepting my mistakes
I tell myself that what I did was right

I swear that this time I'll change
This time I'm sincere
There is nothing I wouldn't do
But now that I'm unsafe
It seems that all I can hear
Are the lies I tell myself are true

Chorus

I cried myself to sleep last night
It's almost routine, it's happened so many times
Because when it's dark and I know I've gone wrong
I'm a stranger to peace with nowhere to belong

The truth inside me tells me I belong in your arms

Chorus

Heritage Halls

Advice for all considering applying to BYU:
TURN YOUR APPLICATION IN EARLY!!!!!  And by EARLY, I mean within 15 days of it being available.
I got one of the last rooms for girls in Heritage Halls yesterday, and today they're all gone.  Every one of them.  I learned too late you pick housing based on how early you turn in your application.  Well, I sure feel bad for the people that don't pick until April 13.  Yikes.  I watched the rooms disappearing and said "I really hope I get Heritage.  I don't even care where at this point.  Just don't let them be all gone!"
And when I logged on yesterday and 4:00 PM MDT, there were only forty-something rooms left. (Now there are none.)

(the blue bed is mine)

So I am an official resident-to-be of Gates Hall.  Not where I had originally planned to be, or even my backup, or even my second, third, or fourth backups.  But I'm just glad to be in Heritage Halls.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR COLLEGE.

Anyone Looks Stupid Compared to Him

I think this kid is pretty amazing.  I mean, he's twelve, and he's working on disproving the big bang theory and augmenting the theory of relativity.  He's in college, and starting next semester, he's ditching the books and becoming a paid research assistant.  He's solving some of the most complex ideas of astrophysics, physics, etc.  He has a math IQ of 170.  Wow, Jacob Barnett.  Way to be smarter than Einstein.

My personal victory that makes me feel like I have some intellectual potential is that I understood what he was explaining in this video.  If you don't know anything about calculus (like my mom) you'll probably be baffled by this.  I promise it's just the vocab that confuses you.  It's really not that hard.  I just think it's incredible that it took me some writing and consulting with my brother to understand this and I was taught it by a 12-year-old. 





I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!

Scholar-ing

I've learned recently that scholarships are some of the most confusing things in the world.  I've gotten conflicting messages, confusing answers, weird stories, all sorts of things that have made me think "AAAH! Why did I ever get myself into this mess?"

Well, today I learned why.

After months of stressing and hoping and having crushed hopes and rebuilding my faith in myself, I have received the BYU Heritage scholarship, which is a 4-year full-tuition scholarship.  As long as I keep my GPA high enough, I won't have to pay a penny in tuition for as long as I am at BYU.  AND on top of this, I have a $4000 National Merit scholarship from my dad's work.  So I really don't have to pay much at all for college.  Only some room and board.  That's it.

I KNOW this is a blessing from Heavenly Father because if anything stresses me out, it's money.  I know He was listening to my prayers and blessed me with these scholarships and the ability to excel in grades and on tests.  I KNOW He loves me!

I'm Going to O'Charley's!

Think of a hard test you've taken.  Then multiply that by 100.  Then add a semi-truck load of pressure.  Then add a loss of appetite, an abnormally high body temperature, and nonstop chills.  Add a little more general irritability, almost crying, shouting at your friends, yelling at your favorite teacher, etc.  Then add at least three hours of test-taking to answer 20 problems.
NOW you know what it is like to have experiened the infamous Test Twelve. 

Yes, I did experience all these things from Monday night until Wednesday afternoon.  But now it's over, and I'm thrilled with the results.
Our teacher bribed us to get onto the list of top 15 high scores of all time (he's been teaching for about 18 years) with O'Charley's gift cards (one student's dad works there.)  The top 15 list started at about an 84 or 85.  Being accustomed to reciving much better grades than this, I was scared by the fact that in 18 years, only 15 students had managed to score above an 85 on Test Twelve (I feel like the capitalizations are necessary to illustrate the horror of the test.)
But he had a lot of faith in us, and was sure that our class could do it, if anyone could.

The results?  After the aforementioned misery, I think 11 people from our graduating class got onto the top 15 list of all time.  That's AMAZING.  He didn't have enough O'Charley's gift cards to give out.
And me personally?  As hard as the test was, I was pretty sure I had done decently on it.  And I wasn't disappointed.  I landed a 102.5, putting me 4th of all time.  AND I beat the most brilliant math genius in my class by 9 WHOLE POINTS!  I'm pretty proud of myself.
So my friend and I (she got seventh of all time!) are going to O'Charley's!!!

This just goes to show what some studying and bribery can do for you!

You know you get a LOT of extra credit when...

Today I finally accomplished my goal for the 3rd quarter.  I have officially gone down in history (in PHS AP Calculus history, that is) as having one of the top 5 highest grades in a quarter.  I'm the first student to have weasled his or her way onto this list since 2006. 
I bet you're curious as to what my grade is, aren't you?
My grade for the third quarter is a 114.43.  (That's out of 100.) 
And I'm not trying to brag.  I'm just trying to share the absurdity.  I'm not even THAT good at calculus.  I'm just really good at getting bonus questions on tests and bonus questions in class. 
You know your teacher gives a ridiculous amount of extra credit when your grade is 14.43 points above the amount of possible points.
But that's not even the craziest part:
I'm only #5 on the list.