On Grace

The state of contentment usually lingers when it comes, soothing away doubts and concerns and uncertainties and lulling me into a half-conscious delirium in which everything is all right for now and responsibilities are slid casually off to the side.  It wraps me up like a blanket, hiding me from everything that is real and frightening, and while I am huddled in its protection I think I like being there, because nothing can permeate through and hurt me. The world without my contentment blanket seems bleak and stark and uncomfortable, so I simply hide inside of my safety and pretend like the world isn't there.
But then it comes, somehow softer and more calming than the contentment itself: a voice that prompts me to come out from under the covers.  The moment I do, two things happen simultaneously: first, the weight of my whole world comes crashing into me at maximum velocity, and second, I am infused with a strength and power with a magnitude unlike anything I have ever known. This power far outweighs the force of my collision, and the crushing might that used to frighten me half to death suddenly seems infinitely bearable.
I can sense that this power is so much greater that the already strong part of it that courses through me.  My desire to hide beneath my blanket of blind comfort is quickly overtaken by a desire to know this power, to let it change and transform me until it becomes an inseparable part of who I am, overruling my will and desires and fears, replacing them with a character handcrafted for me by Him who knows me better than anyone.
The part of me still afraid, still petrified in the face of the world cries that it will be dangerous, risky, frightening, but I know in my heart of hearts that such a power as this cannot lose to any other force, no matter how much simpler or smaller it may seem.  I know this because this power, in varying degrees and contexts, has transformed me before--given me courage in the face of fear, the ability to speak out when surrounded by tantalizing silence, peace in the presence of boundless noise, love in the place of selfishness.  When others talk of grace, I cannot pretend to know exactly what it is to them, but to me, grace is this power, that coaxes me out of hiding, that fills me with the confidence that I can become like my Savior and gives me the will and strength to do so.  Its purpose is change, and grace has and does and will ever continue to transform me, making me into the sort of disciple the Lord does and will always need.

I Know

A wonderful friend of mine with an extraordinary gift for words and an enormous testimony wrote this post , which inspired me to make one of my own.

There are many things I don't know, many things about which I am uncertain.  But these are the things I most definitely do know.

I know that God lives.  I know that He knows me and He loves me.  I remember being almost 12 years old at a fireside for new Young Women and learning that we were all princesses and daughters of a King.  I can still feel now that same simple assurance that I am infinitely precious to Him.

I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for all mankind, but also for me personally. I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of His atoning sacrifice, but I do know that it works.  I don't know how, but I cannot ignore the fact that because of His atonement, I am a different person than I was.  My fears, weaknesses, and sins are washed away by His blood.  I know that the power of the atonement is the more real than anything else.

I know that the Lord is present and involved in our lives today.  I know that the power of the priesthood is real and that we have living prophets on the earth.  I know that in the spring of 1820 a young boy who was not afraid to ask a question saw God the Father and Jesus Christ.  I know that They still stand at the head of Their church.

I know that I have made and am striving to keep sacred covenants with God.  These covenants shape all my goals and desires and everything I hope to become.  They are the most certain thing I have; I know that no matter what may happen to me, if I keep the promises I have made with God, He will keep those He has made with me.

I know that I can always find solace in God's words: both the ancient scriptures and the words of modern prophets.  When I study these words, God speaks directly to me and helps me see His vision of what I can accomplish and become.

I know that I love the Lord.  I hope to be able to give Him all that I am; my talents, my time, my heart, and my will.  I want nothing more than to be His.  I know that I can return to live with Him someday, and I cannot let anything prevent me from making it there.

Amazing Grace

It's a sudden realization, and one I've had before, but no matter how many times I've been able to see and understand it, it never fails to leave me speechless with awe and gratitude.

I owe everything to Him.

Everything I am and have been able to become is because of His infinite and enabling Atonement.  It gives me strength in place of my weakness, compassion in place of my selfishness, peace in place of my frustrations, and courage in the face of my worst fears.  It allows me to do and be when I don't know how to do or what to be.  It makes everything else completely irrelevant--all my shortcomings, flaws, failings are nothing in comparison with His power to transform and overcome.

I love Him beyond the power of words to express, and I am infinitely grateful that because of Him, I can become who I should and must become.

Isaiah taught, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." (Isaiah 61:1-3).

To me, this captures the purpose of the Savior and His Atonement: to change lives and hearts, to make all things right, if we will but let Him. 

One of my favorite quotes says, "A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ's life."

I love Him, and it is my best hope to allow His grace to make me like He is.

我爱你, 中国.

Six weeks ago I stepped off a plane at 12:30 a.m. into a humid and muggy capital city with no clue how much everything I was about to do would change my life. And now, words can't express everything I've gone through and learned.

I've learned that it only takes a few seconds to fall in love.  And I don't mean in the typical sense of boy meets girl, but fall in love with a city, with a group of Chinese university students, with a bunch of dorky Americans, with a class of first graders in a rural elementary school, with a group of Tibetan folk dancers, with the view from the top of the world, with adventure, with the sun on your face and the wind in your hair.  I was overwhelmed by the immense love I felt for all of them.  I learned that it doesn't take long to be able to connect with, understand, and sacrifice for someone else, and that the kind of love that brings is the most powerful and the most beautiful.

I've learned that the gospel is ever-powerful and ever-beautiful.  I saw its light shine to everyone we met as we simply lived its truths.  We never talked about our belief in Christ or God, but we lived our beliefs, and that has a power no one can ignore.  I am so grateful to have the gospel in my life, and I hope to show my love for it to every person I meet, with or without words.
I've learned that God loves all people.  The love I was able to feel for them was nothing compared to His perfect love.  He is aware of their joys, their sorrows, their questions and doubts.  He wants the very best for them, and He wants them to know Him as He knows them.  He is truly their Father in Heaven.  I have no doubt about that.

I've learned that fear is nothing but a figment of the imagination.  Certainly, it seems real, but when you truly understand how to love, fear is simply irrelevant.  On this trip I scaled mountains.  I stood at the edge of cliffs.  I touched the clouds.  I hoped.  I dreamed.  So many times I heard my fears whisper to me that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do what I hoped to, that I was not strong enough, not smart enough, not brave enough.  But I felt and understood that those things are simply not true.  I know where I have put my trust, and that alone will carry me to the highest of heights.  Yes, I of myself am not good enough, but with God's help, I can do all things and I can become more than I ever dreamed I could be.  Fear has no place, not after everything I have seen and been taught by Him.

So I am infinitely grateful for this chance I had to step out into the world and learn to love it with all my heart. My life has been changed, and I will never forget China and all that it means to me.
Until I see you again,
我爱你, 中国.

Mis cargas se volvieron ligeras

This weekend I had the incredible experience to be in the Ogden temple with my parents and a number of other cousins and relatives.  We were sealed in eternal family bonds to our ancestors from all parts of the world and from many, many years ago.  It was incredible and beautiful in every possible way.

As a college student, I am constantly stressed and worried about grades, money, my future, and so many things that are unclear from where I am.  But as I sat in that room where things last far beyond this week, this year, and even this life, I felt an immeasurable peace. I could physically feel my burdens being "made light." So many things that seem so pressing and necessary to me right now simply were not important there.  I could not stop smiling, because I remembered the most precious things I have are my faith and the covenants I have made with my Father in Heaven.

Really, He is what has and does and always will matter most.

El amor

 A little over a year ago, someone who really is one of my very best friends talked to me for several hours and taught me about love.  Together we learned that I didn’t quite know what love was.  I didn’t know how to love others and especially didn’t know how to show the love that I really did feel.  And I most certainly didn’t know how to let myself be loved.  All I knew of love was that sometimes it was kindness and goodness and happiness, but a lot of times it was me putting my whole heart into making someone happy who wouldn’t be happy and it almost killed me.  And so love, wholehearted sacrifice, absolutely terrified me.

So that night we talked about learning to love and to be loved.  And I realized that all my hopes lay with Him who had loved so completely and wholly that He had given everything, and not just for those who wanted it, but for those who hated and rejected Him. 

That was when I started asking for Him to teach me.  It didn’t come quickly or easily, but it came.  And then one day I realized that I had completely ceased to matter in the most beautiful and perfect way.  So many people meant the world to me, people nothing like me in education, background, personality, skin color, culture, sense of humor—but people who were fundamentally children of the same Father.  He changed my heart so that I could love them entirely, without any fear that they would hurt me.

Did they hurt me?  Of course they did.  I cried and cried over almost all of them.  But the miracle was that letting them hurt me only made my love even stronger and enlarged my capacity to love even more people with even more intensity. 

And still, when I think of love, I look at the Spanish flag above my bed.  That is and always will be a symbol to me of the best and purest kind of love.  

At the Edge

I know what I like and what I want to be and do.

That's pretty simple.  And after 21 years, I know myself pretty well.

But then every once in a while, I have powerful, crazy desires.  Feelings far beyond my own capacity to feel and miles outside my comfort zone.  I find myself wanting to be something greater and better than little old me ever could have imagined.  That lately is an overwhelming desire to travel.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty content to just stay at home curled up with a good book or some trusty engineering problems.  I've never been much for wild adventures or risks.  

But now, de repente, I just have to go.  

And so, in less than five months, I'm going to get on an airplane and go to China, and go running all over the country for two months.

but really, who can blame me?

And after that, maybe Bolivia, or Paraguay, or Peru, or Belize, or the Dominican Republic.

I don't know what is happening to me.  I am swallowed up in an overwhelming love and appreciation for this beautiful world in which we live.  For so many cultures, languages, personalities, opinions, and people.  For a loving Father in Heaven who gave us all so many opportunities to learn, grow, serve, and love.  For the influence of the Holy Spirit who changes our hearts and desires so that we can truly become what that perfect Father wants us to be.

It kind of reminds me of this poem by the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

“Come to the edge.” “We can't. We're afraid.” “Come to the edge.” “We can't. We will fall!” “Come to the edge.”  And they came.  And he pushed them.   And they flew. So here I go to fly and become all that my Father would have me be.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics and the Atonement

As finals week is winding down (well...sort of...) I wanted to share some things I've learned this semester.  It's been one of the hardest semesters of my life.  Just in case any of you were wondering, trying to pass differential equations and physical chemistry after not doing any math or chemistry for more than a year and a half is not very easy.  I've been stretched, pushed, and pulled all over the place.
Here's a little rundown of my learning:


1. There is no reason not to be happy with where you are, who you are, and how you are. If you can't be happy now, when will you ever be?

2. Let go of the things you can't control. God knows what He's doing, and everything will work out in His time.

3. Never stop striving toward something.  Set little, simple goals and fight for them.

4. Be vulnerable. Open yourself up and let others see you as you really are.  Vulnerability is the hardest thing but also the biggest blessing.

5. Always put others before yourself.  Turn outward.  That is the ultimate key to happiness, and the ultimate challenge of this life.


And now a little story.  I am blessed to attend a university where we can discuss religion openly and freely.  So on the last day of physical chemistry, the professor gave a lecture relating everything we had learned to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We talked about a talk by Hugh Nibley explaining how the Atonement counteracts entropy--the ultimate fate of the universe, according to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, is to break down completely, but the Atonement renews, resurrects, and restores, offering a "greater sacrifice" to overcome the effects of entropy.  We also applied this to our individual selves: in our own lives, the Spirit is that anti-entropy agent.  If we become an "isolated system" (if we close ourselves off to others and to the Spirit) we are doomed to break down spiritually and emotionally.  But if we open ourselves, to the Spirit and to the service of others, we will be renewed and that natural process of disintegration will be stopped.
As my professor spoke, I felt in my heart that what he was saying was true.  I have struggled my way through that class, and I still don't perfectly understand a lot of the concepts we have learned.  But as we learned about the Atonement that day, a thought came clearly and powerfully into my mind.  "It doesn't matter how well you understand physical chemistry and thermodynamics and all of that--you are striving to perfectly understand the Atonement, and that is ultimately all that matters."


6. The best knowledge we can hope to attain in this life is a knowledge of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His infinite Atonement.

Merry Christmas all!

Stepping Stones

Whoops.  I changed the URL for probably the 8th time since I made this blog.
(To be fair, it was kind of necessary this time.)

So this new URL comes from one of my very favorite talks by Neal A Maxwell, entitled "Consecrate Thy Performance".  He says,

"Spiritual submissiveness [or patience, or charity, or any other Christlike virtue] is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones.  Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway." 

This quote is extremely inspiring and comforting to me.  As I striving disciple of Jesus Christ, I see so clearly what I ought to be and do.  I have Christ's perfect example constantly before me, devoid of any flaw whatsoever.  And sometimes when we look at that, being my flawed self, it feels so overwhelming to think that I'm supposed to become like that.

What I understand Elder Maxwell as saying is that we constantly need to be progressing and working towards that goal of ultimate perfection, but there's no need to freak out if it doesn't happen overnight.  I love the idea of stepping stones, of picking one weakness at a time to conquer before taking a step forward to the next one.

And that's what I plan to chronicle here: my progress, day by day, one flaw at a time, to try to eventually become like my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I know it's thanks to His perfect and infinite Atonement that I can eventually become perfect, as He is.

So here's to my journey, one stepping stone at a time. Gracias a Él. 

El mito del sacrificio...

So in my last Zone Conference President Jackson read an anonymous letter that a missionary who served in Spain sent to the First Presidency.  It states everything I've ever felt or thought about the mission perfectly.

So here.

“I was reflecting yesterday if I would call the mission a sacrifice. And for everything it seems I might have sacrificed, I feel like I have been given tenfold. If I say I have sacrificed time with my family, then I must realize that I have been rewarded with a family more united and loving than ever. If the mission has been a sacrifice of time, I have been rewarded with knowledge that no university in the world could have taught me. If it has been a sacrifice of my talents, I have been rewarded with more than I ever had before. I can speak Spanish, I care more genuinely about people, [and] I am less quick to judge and more anxious to serve. If it has been a sacrifice of human relationships, I have been rewarded with practice in speaking to men and women from all walks of life and in diverse situations. If I have sacrificed my earthly possessions, I have been given new ones that I value infinitely more. For anything I have sacrificed I have been given more.”

Amen.

No soy quien era.

So hi there.
I'm actually back. Physical, actual me is physically typing these actual words on my wonderful old laptop.
And I have no idea how to put into words what I'm feeling right now.

This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It hurts all day, every day. I ache for Spain and its people constantly. I think about them all the time. I loved them so much, with everything I have and am, every minute of every day for 18 months.

And then the Lord asked me to leave them.

And because I love Him, I obeyed.

It took everything in me to get on that plane and come home, not knowing when I would ever see them again. But I had to trust Him, and trust that He has something even better planned for me.

Right now I'm not sure exactly what that something is. I'm back in school, I'm trying to learn how not to be a social idiot, I'm working, and it's good. I've learned things about myself and God's plan for me since I came back that are so powerful and so profound.

But I miss it so much.  I miss the hills, the absurd amount of seafood, the drunk guys that shout at you in the street, the trash strikes, the 10000000 people who swore they were going to come to church and then didn't come, the vigorous but off-tune singing of those amazing Spanish Saints. I miss the miracles of every single day, the moment when someone's eyes light up because they finally understand it, I miss the laughter, the love, the smiles.  I miss feeling the Spirit so strongly that it seems the room will set itself on fire.  I miss seeing so many different people change because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I miss being able to give my everything to Him, completely and without reserve.

The thing that I've always known and yet had to learn to understand is that He didn't mean for me to go on living like that forever. That was never the plan.  He meant for me to learn and change and then to go back and apply such learning to the "real world."

So that is where I stand.
I am a changed being.
I know how to work, how to laugh, how to cry, and how to love.
I know how to sacrifice, how to give literally everything I am and have to my Savior and Redeemer.
I know what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is.
I understand that it fulfills my every need, soothes my every sorrow, smoothes away my every weakness, rectifies every injustice, and erases every stain.
I know that I am loved, known, and treasured by my Heavenly Father.
I know He has a perfect plan for my life, and that He will guide me every step of the way until I am once again by His side.

And the Lord needs me this way right here, right now,

So here we go.

NO time.....but doing good.

Sorry we have NO time but we´re doing good. 

We saw our investigator again and now she has a fecha! We were able to teach really well by the Spirit and having the member that referred her to us was a huge help! We also saw a huge miracle when she came to church and all the members (many of them already knew her) welcomed her with open arms, showed her around to all the classes, and really took care of her. Not once did we have to worry about where she was, who she was with, or how she was liking it. That is exactly how missionary work should be! We are here to teach the lessons and do the formal preparations, and the members do everything else! She should be getting baptized on August 2nd. 

We were also able to get to know a lot of the members and work a lot with them. I feel like the Lord has really blessed us to be able to have a great relationship build quickly with the members in this whitewash. They already know us and trust us and many are anxious to have us teach their friends and family!

So yeah, have a great week, love ya. I´ll send some pics from our super cool P.day.

Getting to know Vigo--with LOTS of pictures!

So first before I get extremely distracted we´ve had a good week. We definitely had more success than last week as we´ve been figuring out where everything is and getting to know our investigators (also getting a bunch of new investigators!) We met some really cool new people. 

We still haven´t been able to see M again, but we have a cita with her tomorrow so if all goes according to plan we should have her with a baptismal date. 

We met an awesome new lady named M who came to English class and then stayed after with her daughter for FHE and loved it!  She´s from Peru and she´s super nice. She speaks almost perfect English because she lived in England for a few years. So we should be starting to teach her soon, and her almost 8 year-old daughter. 

We had a really cool lesson on the street with an atheist named T.  We talked to him about prayer and invited him to pray to know for sure that God exists. He agreed to do it, so we called him the next day to check up, and he said that he had prayed and that he had asked for something to happen and it did actually happen. But then he said that he wasn´t convinced it came from God...but he´s been thinking more about it. :) It was just a cool opportunity to be able to share our testimonies and invite someone to act and know for himself.

We´re starting to work with some less-active families and getting to know the branch better. There are a lot of really strong members here.  It´s awesome! :)

Okay now the fun stuff...Today we went to a few cool places in our area and then we went to Portugal!! I have a TON of pictures so I´ll be sending them!

view of Spain from Portugal

Cathedral 

Celtic ruins on the way up the mountain

Elders with our Portuguese waitress

lunch in Portugal

A church in Portugal

Portugal across the river

another view of Portugal across the river

Portugal fortress

In a church in Portugal

Portugal in the background

atop the fortress

a street in Portugal

Add caption

watchtower fortress

watchtower peeking

Spain on the right, Portugal on the left, from a mountaintop in A Guarda

a replica of Christopher Colombus' Pinta

Lower fortress

at Playa Samil

Playa America

Looking across the bay from a fortress in Baiona

June 30

Well this week was abnormal. Good but really abnormal. 

Hna. N and I are way too good of friends...we talk ALL the time, WAY too much. We've both served in the islands and in Torrejón, so we know almost all the same members and missionaries, and we talk about them ALL THE TIME. 

This week was a lot of trying to get organized, trying to figure out who the members are, trying to find the busses, trying to find where the chapel is, going through our FOUR area books, etc. Miraculously, we didn't really get lost! We always end up finding Domino's pizza when we don't know where we are. 

On Tuesday we had a really cool experience/miracle where we were trying to get on a bus to go to some pueblo outside of Vigo and while we were waiting, we get a text from a member telling us that she needed us to meet with her friend that afternoon and teach her the plan of salvation. So we came back from the pueblo, found her house, went in, met her friend, and started to teach. Her name is M, and she's a single mother of 3 whose husband died a few years ago. As we taught her, she asked really good questions and really understood it well. We started to explain about the spirit world and she started to ask about her husband. The member who has given us the reference is the family history consultant, and she immediately started to tell her about temple and family history work. M started to cry and said she knew she had to be baptized so that she could give her husband the chance to also be baptized. We were about to give her a baptismal date, but she had to catch the boat to get back to where she lives. (In Vigo sometimes we travel by BOAT to get to parts of our area.) It was amazing and the Spirit was there so strongly!! She should be getting baptized soon. 

Funny story is that one day we were coming into our building at night and since our piso is on the 2nd floor, we usually take the stairs. We started to walk up the stairs and there was some guy laying down on the landing talking a nap! We were talking but then when we saw him we were so surprised that we just went silent, turned around, and took the elevator up. Later we realized it was a construction worker that was talking a nap in his break. Funny stuff.

Also, the branch president's wife calls me "Brave" because I have red curly hair like Merida. And another sister walked into the chapel when we were waiting for a lesson. When I stood up to say hi to her, she looked at me in shock and said "¡Que grandote! ¡Que horror!" which basically means "You're so tall! What a nightmare!" That made me laugh quite a bit.

Port in Vigo

District in Vigo

view of Vigo

We are really excited and we have a lot of good ideas and goals to put into practice here. I will continue sharing experiences and stories as we go meeting more people. The hermanas that we're whitewashing out didn't have a whole lot of investigators, so hopefully our combined new energy can change that!