Amazing Grace

It's a sudden realization, and one I've had before, but no matter how many times I've been able to see and understand it, it never fails to leave me speechless with awe and gratitude.

I owe everything to Him.

Everything I am and have been able to become is because of His infinite and enabling Atonement.  It gives me strength in place of my weakness, compassion in place of my selfishness, peace in place of my frustrations, and courage in the face of my worst fears.  It allows me to do and be when I don't know how to do or what to be.  It makes everything else completely irrelevant--all my shortcomings, flaws, failings are nothing in comparison with His power to transform and overcome.

I love Him beyond the power of words to express, and I am infinitely grateful that because of Him, I can become who I should and must become.

Isaiah taught, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." (Isaiah 61:1-3).

To me, this captures the purpose of the Savior and His Atonement: to change lives and hearts, to make all things right, if we will but let Him. 

One of my favorite quotes says, "A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ's life."

I love Him, and it is my best hope to allow His grace to make me like He is.

我爱你, 中国.

Six weeks ago I stepped off a plane at 12:30 a.m. into a humid and muggy capital city with no clue how much everything I was about to do would change my life. And now, words can't express everything I've gone through and learned.

I've learned that it only takes a few seconds to fall in love.  And I don't mean in the typical sense of boy meets girl, but fall in love with a city, with a group of Chinese university students, with a bunch of dorky Americans, with a class of first graders in a rural elementary school, with a group of Tibetan folk dancers, with the view from the top of the world, with adventure, with the sun on your face and the wind in your hair.  I was overwhelmed by the immense love I felt for all of them.  I learned that it doesn't take long to be able to connect with, understand, and sacrifice for someone else, and that the kind of love that brings is the most powerful and the most beautiful.

I've learned that the gospel is ever-powerful and ever-beautiful.  I saw its light shine to everyone we met as we simply lived its truths.  We never talked about our belief in Christ or God, but we lived our beliefs, and that has a power no one can ignore.  I am so grateful to have the gospel in my life, and I hope to show my love for it to every person I meet, with or without words.
I've learned that God loves all people.  The love I was able to feel for them was nothing compared to His perfect love.  He is aware of their joys, their sorrows, their questions and doubts.  He wants the very best for them, and He wants them to know Him as He knows them.  He is truly their Father in Heaven.  I have no doubt about that.

I've learned that fear is nothing but a figment of the imagination.  Certainly, it seems real, but when you truly understand how to love, fear is simply irrelevant.  On this trip I scaled mountains.  I stood at the edge of cliffs.  I touched the clouds.  I hoped.  I dreamed.  So many times I heard my fears whisper to me that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do what I hoped to, that I was not strong enough, not smart enough, not brave enough.  But I felt and understood that those things are simply not true.  I know where I have put my trust, and that alone will carry me to the highest of heights.  Yes, I of myself am not good enough, but with God's help, I can do all things and I can become more than I ever dreamed I could be.  Fear has no place, not after everything I have seen and been taught by Him.

So I am infinitely grateful for this chance I had to step out into the world and learn to love it with all my heart. My life has been changed, and I will never forget China and all that it means to me.
Until I see you again,
我爱你, 中国.

Mis cargas se volvieron ligeras

This weekend I had the incredible experience to be in the Ogden temple with my parents and a number of other cousins and relatives.  We were sealed in eternal family bonds to our ancestors from all parts of the world and from many, many years ago.  It was incredible and beautiful in every possible way.

As a college student, I am constantly stressed and worried about grades, money, my future, and so many things that are unclear from where I am.  But as I sat in that room where things last far beyond this week, this year, and even this life, I felt an immeasurable peace. I could physically feel my burdens being "made light." So many things that seem so pressing and necessary to me right now simply were not important there.  I could not stop smiling, because I remembered the most precious things I have are my faith and the covenants I have made with my Father in Heaven.

Really, He is what has and does and always will matter most.

El amor

 A little over a year ago, someone who really is one of my very best friends talked to me for several hours and taught me about love.  Together we learned that I didn’t quite know what love was.  I didn’t know how to love others and especially didn’t know how to show the love that I really did feel.  And I most certainly didn’t know how to let myself be loved.  All I knew of love was that sometimes it was kindness and goodness and happiness, but a lot of times it was me putting my whole heart into making someone happy who wouldn’t be happy and it almost killed me.  And so love, wholehearted sacrifice, absolutely terrified me.

So that night we talked about learning to love and to be loved.  And I realized that all my hopes lay with Him who had loved so completely and wholly that He had given everything, and not just for those who wanted it, but for those who hated and rejected Him. 

That was when I started asking for Him to teach me.  It didn’t come quickly or easily, but it came.  And then one day I realized that I had completely ceased to matter in the most beautiful and perfect way.  So many people meant the world to me, people nothing like me in education, background, personality, skin color, culture, sense of humor—but people who were fundamentally children of the same Father.  He changed my heart so that I could love them entirely, without any fear that they would hurt me.

Did they hurt me?  Of course they did.  I cried and cried over almost all of them.  But the miracle was that letting them hurt me only made my love even stronger and enlarged my capacity to love even more people with even more intensity. 

And still, when I think of love, I look at the Spanish flag above my bed.  That is and always will be a symbol to me of the best and purest kind of love.  

At the Edge

I know what I like and what I want to be and do.

That's pretty simple.  And after 21 years, I know myself pretty well.

But then every once in a while, I have powerful, crazy desires.  Feelings far beyond my own capacity to feel and miles outside my comfort zone.  I find myself wanting to be something greater and better than little old me ever could have imagined.  That lately is an overwhelming desire to travel.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty content to just stay at home curled up with a good book or some trusty engineering problems.  I've never been much for wild adventures or risks.  

But now, de repente, I just have to go.  

And so, in less than five months, I'm going to get on an airplane and go to China, and go running all over the country for two months.

but really, who can blame me?

And after that, maybe Bolivia, or Paraguay, or Peru, or Belize, or the Dominican Republic.

I don't know what is happening to me.  I am swallowed up in an overwhelming love and appreciation for this beautiful world in which we live.  For so many cultures, languages, personalities, opinions, and people.  For a loving Father in Heaven who gave us all so many opportunities to learn, grow, serve, and love.  For the influence of the Holy Spirit who changes our hearts and desires so that we can truly become what that perfect Father wants us to be.

It kind of reminds me of this poem by the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

“Come to the edge.” “We can't. We're afraid.” “Come to the edge.” “We can't. We will fall!” “Come to the edge.”  And they came.  And he pushed them.   And they flew. So here I go to fly and become all that my Father would have me be.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics and the Atonement

As finals week is winding down (well...sort of...) I wanted to share some things I've learned this semester.  It's been one of the hardest semesters of my life.  Just in case any of you were wondering, trying to pass differential equations and physical chemistry after not doing any math or chemistry for more than a year and a half is not very easy.  I've been stretched, pushed, and pulled all over the place.
Here's a little rundown of my learning:


1. There is no reason not to be happy with where you are, who you are, and how you are. If you can't be happy now, when will you ever be?

2. Let go of the things you can't control. God knows what He's doing, and everything will work out in His time.

3. Never stop striving toward something.  Set little, simple goals and fight for them.

4. Be vulnerable. Open yourself up and let others see you as you really are.  Vulnerability is the hardest thing but also the biggest blessing.

5. Always put others before yourself.  Turn outward.  That is the ultimate key to happiness, and the ultimate challenge of this life.


And now a little story.  I am blessed to attend a university where we can discuss religion openly and freely.  So on the last day of physical chemistry, the professor gave a lecture relating everything we had learned to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We talked about a talk by Hugh Nibley explaining how the Atonement counteracts entropy--the ultimate fate of the universe, according to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, is to break down completely, but the Atonement renews, resurrects, and restores, offering a "greater sacrifice" to overcome the effects of entropy.  We also applied this to our individual selves: in our own lives, the Spirit is that anti-entropy agent.  If we become an "isolated system" (if we close ourselves off to others and to the Spirit) we are doomed to break down spiritually and emotionally.  But if we open ourselves, to the Spirit and to the service of others, we will be renewed and that natural process of disintegration will be stopped.
As my professor spoke, I felt in my heart that what he was saying was true.  I have struggled my way through that class, and I still don't perfectly understand a lot of the concepts we have learned.  But as we learned about the Atonement that day, a thought came clearly and powerfully into my mind.  "It doesn't matter how well you understand physical chemistry and thermodynamics and all of that--you are striving to perfectly understand the Atonement, and that is ultimately all that matters."


6. The best knowledge we can hope to attain in this life is a knowledge of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His infinite Atonement.

Merry Christmas all!

Stepping Stones

Whoops.  I changed the URL for probably the 8th time since I made this blog.
(To be fair, it was kind of necessary this time.)

So this new URL comes from one of my very favorite talks by Neal A Maxwell, entitled "Consecrate Thy Performance".  He says,

"Spiritual submissiveness [or patience, or charity, or any other Christlike virtue] is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones.  Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway." 

This quote is extremely inspiring and comforting to me.  As I striving disciple of Jesus Christ, I see so clearly what I ought to be and do.  I have Christ's perfect example constantly before me, devoid of any flaw whatsoever.  And sometimes when we look at that, being my flawed self, it feels so overwhelming to think that I'm supposed to become like that.

What I understand Elder Maxwell as saying is that we constantly need to be progressing and working towards that goal of ultimate perfection, but there's no need to freak out if it doesn't happen overnight.  I love the idea of stepping stones, of picking one weakness at a time to conquer before taking a step forward to the next one.

And that's what I plan to chronicle here: my progress, day by day, one flaw at a time, to try to eventually become like my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I know it's thanks to His perfect and infinite Atonement that I can eventually become perfect, as He is.

So here's to my journey, one stepping stone at a time. Gracias a Él.