Mis cargas se volvieron ligeras

This weekend I had the incredible experience to be in the Ogden temple with my parents and a number of other cousins and relatives.  We were sealed in eternal family bonds to our ancestors from all parts of the world and from many, many years ago.  It was incredible and beautiful in every possible way.

As a college student, I am constantly stressed and worried about grades, money, my future, and so many things that are unclear from where I am.  But as I sat in that room where things last far beyond this week, this year, and even this life, I felt an immeasurable peace. I could physically feel my burdens being "made light." So many things that seem so pressing and necessary to me right now simply were not important there.  I could not stop smiling, because I remembered the most precious things I have are my faith and the covenants I have made with my Father in Heaven.

Really, He is what has and does and always will matter most.

El amor

 A little over a year ago, someone who really is one of my very best friends talked to me for several hours and taught me about love.  Together we learned that I didn’t quite know what love was.  I didn’t know how to love others and especially didn’t know how to show the love that I really did feel.  And I most certainly didn’t know how to let myself be loved.  All I knew of love was that sometimes it was kindness and goodness and happiness, but a lot of times it was me putting my whole heart into making someone happy who wouldn’t be happy and it almost killed me.  And so love, wholehearted sacrifice, absolutely terrified me.

So that night we talked about learning to love and to be loved.  And I realized that all my hopes lay with Him who had loved so completely and wholly that He had given everything, and not just for those who wanted it, but for those who hated and rejected Him. 

That was when I started asking for Him to teach me.  It didn’t come quickly or easily, but it came.  And then one day I realized that I had completely ceased to matter in the most beautiful and perfect way.  So many people meant the world to me, people nothing like me in education, background, personality, skin color, culture, sense of humor—but people who were fundamentally children of the same Father.  He changed my heart so that I could love them entirely, without any fear that they would hurt me.

Did they hurt me?  Of course they did.  I cried and cried over almost all of them.  But the miracle was that letting them hurt me only made my love even stronger and enlarged my capacity to love even more people with even more intensity. 

And still, when I think of love, I look at the Spanish flag above my bed.  That is and always will be a symbol to me of the best and purest kind of love.  

At the Edge

I know what I like and what I want to be and do.

That's pretty simple.  And after 21 years, I know myself pretty well.

But then every once in a while, I have powerful, crazy desires.  Feelings far beyond my own capacity to feel and miles outside my comfort zone.  I find myself wanting to be something greater and better than little old me ever could have imagined.  That lately is an overwhelming desire to travel.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty content to just stay at home curled up with a good book or some trusty engineering problems.  I've never been much for wild adventures or risks.  

But now, de repente, I just have to go.  

And so, in less than five months, I'm going to get on an airplane and go to China, and go running all over the country for two months.

but really, who can blame me?

And after that, maybe Bolivia, or Paraguay, or Peru, or Belize, or the Dominican Republic.

I don't know what is happening to me.  I am swallowed up in an overwhelming love and appreciation for this beautiful world in which we live.  For so many cultures, languages, personalities, opinions, and people.  For a loving Father in Heaven who gave us all so many opportunities to learn, grow, serve, and love.  For the influence of the Holy Spirit who changes our hearts and desires so that we can truly become what that perfect Father wants us to be.

It kind of reminds me of this poem by the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

“Come to the edge.” “We can't. We're afraid.” “Come to the edge.” “We can't. We will fall!” “Come to the edge.”  And they came.  And he pushed them.   And they flew. So here I go to fly and become all that my Father would have me be.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics and the Atonement

As finals week is winding down (well...sort of...) I wanted to share some things I've learned this semester.  It's been one of the hardest semesters of my life.  Just in case any of you were wondering, trying to pass differential equations and physical chemistry after not doing any math or chemistry for more than a year and a half is not very easy.  I've been stretched, pushed, and pulled all over the place.
Here's a little rundown of my learning:


1. There is no reason not to be happy with where you are, who you are, and how you are. If you can't be happy now, when will you ever be?

2. Let go of the things you can't control. God knows what He's doing, and everything will work out in His time.

3. Never stop striving toward something.  Set little, simple goals and fight for them.

4. Be vulnerable. Open yourself up and let others see you as you really are.  Vulnerability is the hardest thing but also the biggest blessing.

5. Always put others before yourself.  Turn outward.  That is the ultimate key to happiness, and the ultimate challenge of this life.


And now a little story.  I am blessed to attend a university where we can discuss religion openly and freely.  So on the last day of physical chemistry, the professor gave a lecture relating everything we had learned to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We talked about a talk by Hugh Nibley explaining how the Atonement counteracts entropy--the ultimate fate of the universe, according to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, is to break down completely, but the Atonement renews, resurrects, and restores, offering a "greater sacrifice" to overcome the effects of entropy.  We also applied this to our individual selves: in our own lives, the Spirit is that anti-entropy agent.  If we become an "isolated system" (if we close ourselves off to others and to the Spirit) we are doomed to break down spiritually and emotionally.  But if we open ourselves, to the Spirit and to the service of others, we will be renewed and that natural process of disintegration will be stopped.
As my professor spoke, I felt in my heart that what he was saying was true.  I have struggled my way through that class, and I still don't perfectly understand a lot of the concepts we have learned.  But as we learned about the Atonement that day, a thought came clearly and powerfully into my mind.  "It doesn't matter how well you understand physical chemistry and thermodynamics and all of that--you are striving to perfectly understand the Atonement, and that is ultimately all that matters."


6. The best knowledge we can hope to attain in this life is a knowledge of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His infinite Atonement.

Merry Christmas all!

Stepping Stones

Whoops.  I changed the URL for probably the 8th time since I made this blog.
(To be fair, it was kind of necessary this time.)

So this new URL comes from one of my very favorite talks by Neal A Maxwell, entitled "Consecrate Thy Performance".  He says,

"Spiritual submissiveness [or patience, or charity, or any other Christlike virtue] is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones.  Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway." 

This quote is extremely inspiring and comforting to me.  As I striving disciple of Jesus Christ, I see so clearly what I ought to be and do.  I have Christ's perfect example constantly before me, devoid of any flaw whatsoever.  And sometimes when we look at that, being my flawed self, it feels so overwhelming to think that I'm supposed to become like that.

What I understand Elder Maxwell as saying is that we constantly need to be progressing and working towards that goal of ultimate perfection, but there's no need to freak out if it doesn't happen overnight.  I love the idea of stepping stones, of picking one weakness at a time to conquer before taking a step forward to the next one.

And that's what I plan to chronicle here: my progress, day by day, one flaw at a time, to try to eventually become like my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I know it's thanks to His perfect and infinite Atonement that I can eventually become perfect, as He is.

So here's to my journey, one stepping stone at a time. Gracias a Él. 

El mito del sacrificio...

So in my last Zone Conference President Jackson read an anonymous letter that a missionary who served in Spain sent to the First Presidency.  It states everything I've ever felt or thought about the mission perfectly.

So here.

“I was reflecting yesterday if I would call the mission a sacrifice. And for everything it seems I might have sacrificed, I feel like I have been given tenfold. If I say I have sacrificed time with my family, then I must realize that I have been rewarded with a family more united and loving than ever. If the mission has been a sacrifice of time, I have been rewarded with knowledge that no university in the world could have taught me. If it has been a sacrifice of my talents, I have been rewarded with more than I ever had before. I can speak Spanish, I care more genuinely about people, [and] I am less quick to judge and more anxious to serve. If it has been a sacrifice of human relationships, I have been rewarded with practice in speaking to men and women from all walks of life and in diverse situations. If I have sacrificed my earthly possessions, I have been given new ones that I value infinitely more. For anything I have sacrificed I have been given more.”

Amen.

No soy quien era.

So hi there.
I'm actually back. Physical, actual me is physically typing these actual words on my wonderful old laptop.
And I have no idea how to put into words what I'm feeling right now.

This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It hurts all day, every day. I ache for Spain and its people constantly. I think about them all the time. I loved them so much, with everything I have and am, every minute of every day for 18 months.

And then the Lord asked me to leave them.

And because I love Him, I obeyed.

It took everything in me to get on that plane and come home, not knowing when I would ever see them again. But I had to trust Him, and trust that He has something even better planned for me.

Right now I'm not sure exactly what that something is. I'm back in school, I'm trying to learn how not to be a social idiot, I'm working, and it's good. I've learned things about myself and God's plan for me since I came back that are so powerful and so profound.

But I miss it so much.  I miss the hills, the absurd amount of seafood, the drunk guys that shout at you in the street, the trash strikes, the 10000000 people who swore they were going to come to church and then didn't come, the vigorous but off-tune singing of those amazing Spanish Saints. I miss the miracles of every single day, the moment when someone's eyes light up because they finally understand it, I miss the laughter, the love, the smiles.  I miss feeling the Spirit so strongly that it seems the room will set itself on fire.  I miss seeing so many different people change because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I miss being able to give my everything to Him, completely and without reserve.

The thing that I've always known and yet had to learn to understand is that He didn't mean for me to go on living like that forever. That was never the plan.  He meant for me to learn and change and then to go back and apply such learning to the "real world."

So that is where I stand.
I am a changed being.
I know how to work, how to laugh, how to cry, and how to love.
I know how to sacrifice, how to give literally everything I am and have to my Savior and Redeemer.
I know what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is.
I understand that it fulfills my every need, soothes my every sorrow, smoothes away my every weakness, rectifies every injustice, and erases every stain.
I know that I am loved, known, and treasured by my Heavenly Father.
I know He has a perfect plan for my life, and that He will guide me every step of the way until I am once again by His side.

And the Lord needs me this way right here, right now,

So here we go.