On Grace

The state of contentment usually lingers when it comes, soothing away doubts and concerns and uncertainties and lulling me into a half-conscious delirium in which everything is all right for now and responsibilities are slid casually off to the side.  It wraps me up like a blanket, hiding me from everything that is real and frightening, and while I am huddled in its protection I think I like being there, because nothing can permeate through and hurt me. The world without my contentment blanket seems bleak and stark and uncomfortable, so I simply hide inside of my safety and pretend like the world isn't there.
But then it comes, somehow softer and more calming than the contentment itself: a voice that prompts me to come out from under the covers.  The moment I do, two things happen simultaneously: first, the weight of my whole world comes crashing into me at maximum velocity, and second, I am infused with a strength and power with a magnitude unlike anything I have ever known. This power far outweighs the force of my collision, and the crushing might that used to frighten me half to death suddenly seems infinitely bearable.
I can sense that this power is so much greater that the already strong part of it that courses through me.  My desire to hide beneath my blanket of blind comfort is quickly overtaken by a desire to know this power, to let it change and transform me until it becomes an inseparable part of who I am, overruling my will and desires and fears, replacing them with a character handcrafted for me by Him who knows me better than anyone.
The part of me still afraid, still petrified in the face of the world cries that it will be dangerous, risky, frightening, but I know in my heart of hearts that such a power as this cannot lose to any other force, no matter how much simpler or smaller it may seem.  I know this because this power, in varying degrees and contexts, has transformed me before--given me courage in the face of fear, the ability to speak out when surrounded by tantalizing silence, peace in the presence of boundless noise, love in the place of selfishness.  When others talk of grace, I cannot pretend to know exactly what it is to them, but to me, grace is this power, that coaxes me out of hiding, that fills me with the confidence that I can become like my Savior and gives me the will and strength to do so.  Its purpose is change, and grace has and does and will ever continue to transform me, making me into the sort of disciple the Lord does and will always need.

I Know

A wonderful friend of mine with an extraordinary gift for words and an enormous testimony wrote this post , which inspired me to make one of my own.

There are many things I don't know, many things about which I am uncertain.  But these are the things I most definitely do know.

I know that God lives.  I know that He knows me and He loves me.  I remember being almost 12 years old at a fireside for new Young Women and learning that we were all princesses and daughters of a King.  I can still feel now that same simple assurance that I am infinitely precious to Him.

I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for all mankind, but also for me personally. I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of His atoning sacrifice, but I do know that it works.  I don't know how, but I cannot ignore the fact that because of His atonement, I am a different person than I was.  My fears, weaknesses, and sins are washed away by His blood.  I know that the power of the atonement is the more real than anything else.

I know that the Lord is present and involved in our lives today.  I know that the power of the priesthood is real and that we have living prophets on the earth.  I know that in the spring of 1820 a young boy who was not afraid to ask a question saw God the Father and Jesus Christ.  I know that They still stand at the head of Their church.

I know that I have made and am striving to keep sacred covenants with God.  These covenants shape all my goals and desires and everything I hope to become.  They are the most certain thing I have; I know that no matter what may happen to me, if I keep the promises I have made with God, He will keep those He has made with me.

I know that I can always find solace in God's words: both the ancient scriptures and the words of modern prophets.  When I study these words, God speaks directly to me and helps me see His vision of what I can accomplish and become.

I know that I love the Lord.  I hope to be able to give Him all that I am; my talents, my time, my heart, and my will.  I want nothing more than to be His.  I know that I can return to live with Him someday, and I cannot let anything prevent me from making it there.

Amazing Grace

It's a sudden realization, and one I've had before, but no matter how many times I've been able to see and understand it, it never fails to leave me speechless with awe and gratitude.

I owe everything to Him.

Everything I am and have been able to become is because of His infinite and enabling Atonement.  It gives me strength in place of my weakness, compassion in place of my selfishness, peace in place of my frustrations, and courage in the face of my worst fears.  It allows me to do and be when I don't know how to do or what to be.  It makes everything else completely irrelevant--all my shortcomings, flaws, failings are nothing in comparison with His power to transform and overcome.

I love Him beyond the power of words to express, and I am infinitely grateful that because of Him, I can become who I should and must become.

Isaiah taught, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." (Isaiah 61:1-3).

To me, this captures the purpose of the Savior and His Atonement: to change lives and hearts, to make all things right, if we will but let Him. 

One of my favorite quotes says, "A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ's life."

I love Him, and it is my best hope to allow His grace to make me like He is.

我爱你, 中国.

Six weeks ago I stepped off a plane at 12:30 a.m. into a humid and muggy capital city with no clue how much everything I was about to do would change my life. And now, words can't express everything I've gone through and learned.

I've learned that it only takes a few seconds to fall in love.  And I don't mean in the typical sense of boy meets girl, but fall in love with a city, with a group of Chinese university students, with a bunch of dorky Americans, with a class of first graders in a rural elementary school, with a group of Tibetan folk dancers, with the view from the top of the world, with adventure, with the sun on your face and the wind in your hair.  I was overwhelmed by the immense love I felt for all of them.  I learned that it doesn't take long to be able to connect with, understand, and sacrifice for someone else, and that the kind of love that brings is the most powerful and the most beautiful.

I've learned that the gospel is ever-powerful and ever-beautiful.  I saw its light shine to everyone we met as we simply lived its truths.  We never talked about our belief in Christ or God, but we lived our beliefs, and that has a power no one can ignore.  I am so grateful to have the gospel in my life, and I hope to show my love for it to every person I meet, with or without words.
I've learned that God loves all people.  The love I was able to feel for them was nothing compared to His perfect love.  He is aware of their joys, their sorrows, their questions and doubts.  He wants the very best for them, and He wants them to know Him as He knows them.  He is truly their Father in Heaven.  I have no doubt about that.

I've learned that fear is nothing but a figment of the imagination.  Certainly, it seems real, but when you truly understand how to love, fear is simply irrelevant.  On this trip I scaled mountains.  I stood at the edge of cliffs.  I touched the clouds.  I hoped.  I dreamed.  So many times I heard my fears whisper to me that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do what I hoped to, that I was not strong enough, not smart enough, not brave enough.  But I felt and understood that those things are simply not true.  I know where I have put my trust, and that alone will carry me to the highest of heights.  Yes, I of myself am not good enough, but with God's help, I can do all things and I can become more than I ever dreamed I could be.  Fear has no place, not after everything I have seen and been taught by Him.

So I am infinitely grateful for this chance I had to step out into the world and learn to love it with all my heart. My life has been changed, and I will never forget China and all that it means to me.
Until I see you again,
我爱你, 中国.

Mis cargas se volvieron ligeras

This weekend I had the incredible experience to be in the Ogden temple with my parents and a number of other cousins and relatives.  We were sealed in eternal family bonds to our ancestors from all parts of the world and from many, many years ago.  It was incredible and beautiful in every possible way.

As a college student, I am constantly stressed and worried about grades, money, my future, and so many things that are unclear from where I am.  But as I sat in that room where things last far beyond this week, this year, and even this life, I felt an immeasurable peace. I could physically feel my burdens being "made light." So many things that seem so pressing and necessary to me right now simply were not important there.  I could not stop smiling, because I remembered the most precious things I have are my faith and the covenants I have made with my Father in Heaven.

Really, He is what has and does and always will matter most.

El amor

 A little over a year ago, someone who really is one of my very best friends talked to me for several hours and taught me about love.  Together we learned that I didn’t quite know what love was.  I didn’t know how to love others and especially didn’t know how to show the love that I really did feel.  And I most certainly didn’t know how to let myself be loved.  All I knew of love was that sometimes it was kindness and goodness and happiness, but a lot of times it was me putting my whole heart into making someone happy who wouldn’t be happy and it almost killed me.  And so love, wholehearted sacrifice, absolutely terrified me.

So that night we talked about learning to love and to be loved.  And I realized that all my hopes lay with Him who had loved so completely and wholly that He had given everything, and not just for those who wanted it, but for those who hated and rejected Him. 

That was when I started asking for Him to teach me.  It didn’t come quickly or easily, but it came.  And then one day I realized that I had completely ceased to matter in the most beautiful and perfect way.  So many people meant the world to me, people nothing like me in education, background, personality, skin color, culture, sense of humor—but people who were fundamentally children of the same Father.  He changed my heart so that I could love them entirely, without any fear that they would hurt me.

Did they hurt me?  Of course they did.  I cried and cried over almost all of them.  But the miracle was that letting them hurt me only made my love even stronger and enlarged my capacity to love even more people with even more intensity. 

And still, when I think of love, I look at the Spanish flag above my bed.  That is and always will be a symbol to me of the best and purest kind of love.  

At the Edge

I know what I like and what I want to be and do.

That's pretty simple.  And after 21 years, I know myself pretty well.

But then every once in a while, I have powerful, crazy desires.  Feelings far beyond my own capacity to feel and miles outside my comfort zone.  I find myself wanting to be something greater and better than little old me ever could have imagined.  That lately is an overwhelming desire to travel.  

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty content to just stay at home curled up with a good book or some trusty engineering problems.  I've never been much for wild adventures or risks.  

But now, de repente, I just have to go.  

And so, in less than five months, I'm going to get on an airplane and go to China, and go running all over the country for two months.

but really, who can blame me?

And after that, maybe Bolivia, or Paraguay, or Peru, or Belize, or the Dominican Republic.

I don't know what is happening to me.  I am swallowed up in an overwhelming love and appreciation for this beautiful world in which we live.  For so many cultures, languages, personalities, opinions, and people.  For a loving Father in Heaven who gave us all so many opportunities to learn, grow, serve, and love.  For the influence of the Holy Spirit who changes our hearts and desires so that we can truly become what that perfect Father wants us to be.

It kind of reminds me of this poem by the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

“Come to the edge.” “We can't. We're afraid.” “Come to the edge.” “We can't. We will fall!” “Come to the edge.”  And they came.  And he pushed them.   And they flew. So here I go to fly and become all that my Father would have me be.