El mito del sacrificio...

So in my last Zone Conference President Jackson read an anonymous letter that a missionary who served in Spain sent to the First Presidency.  It states everything I've ever felt or thought about the mission perfectly.

So here.

“I was reflecting yesterday if I would call the mission a sacrifice. And for everything it seems I might have sacrificed, I feel like I have been given tenfold. If I say I have sacrificed time with my family, then I must realize that I have been rewarded with a family more united and loving than ever. If the mission has been a sacrifice of time, I have been rewarded with knowledge that no university in the world could have taught me. If it has been a sacrifice of my talents, I have been rewarded with more than I ever had before. I can speak Spanish, I care more genuinely about people, [and] I am less quick to judge and more anxious to serve. If it has been a sacrifice of human relationships, I have been rewarded with practice in speaking to men and women from all walks of life and in diverse situations. If I have sacrificed my earthly possessions, I have been given new ones that I value infinitely more. For anything I have sacrificed I have been given more.”

Amen.

No soy quien era.

So hi there.
I'm actually back. Physical, actual me is physically typing these actual words on my wonderful old laptop.
And I have no idea how to put into words what I'm feeling right now.

This is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It hurts all day, every day. I ache for Spain and its people constantly. I think about them all the time. I loved them so much, with everything I have and am, every minute of every day for 18 months.

And then the Lord asked me to leave them.

And because I love Him, I obeyed.

It took everything in me to get on that plane and come home, not knowing when I would ever see them again. But I had to trust Him, and trust that He has something even better planned for me.

Right now I'm not sure exactly what that something is. I'm back in school, I'm trying to learn how not to be a social idiot, I'm working, and it's good. I've learned things about myself and God's plan for me since I came back that are so powerful and so profound.

But I miss it so much.  I miss the hills, the absurd amount of seafood, the drunk guys that shout at you in the street, the trash strikes, the 10000000 people who swore they were going to come to church and then didn't come, the vigorous but off-tune singing of those amazing Spanish Saints. I miss the miracles of every single day, the moment when someone's eyes light up because they finally understand it, I miss the laughter, the love, the smiles.  I miss feeling the Spirit so strongly that it seems the room will set itself on fire.  I miss seeing so many different people change because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I miss being able to give my everything to Him, completely and without reserve.

The thing that I've always known and yet had to learn to understand is that He didn't mean for me to go on living like that forever. That was never the plan.  He meant for me to learn and change and then to go back and apply such learning to the "real world."

So that is where I stand.
I am a changed being.
I know how to work, how to laugh, how to cry, and how to love.
I know how to sacrifice, how to give literally everything I am and have to my Savior and Redeemer.
I know what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is.
I understand that it fulfills my every need, soothes my every sorrow, smoothes away my every weakness, rectifies every injustice, and erases every stain.
I know that I am loved, known, and treasured by my Heavenly Father.
I know He has a perfect plan for my life, and that He will guide me every step of the way until I am once again by His side.

And the Lord needs me this way right here, right now,

So here we go.